Gratitude In the Middle of Not Knowing WHY

Posted on by Mary
Why

“WHY?” We all ask it. Toddlers and middle schoolers go through it. They are inquisitive of the world around them. The old phrase “inquiring minds want to know.” comes to mind. If we are honest as adults we continue to ask why. And the hardest of why’s comes in the middle of hard things.

  • Why did I lose my job?
  • Why did my boyfriend/girlfriend break up with me?
  • Why did I lose my child at such a young age?
  • Why do I have cancer?
  • Why did my parents get killed in a car accident?

The list is endless. The list is full of heartbreak and trauma.

And to complicate things the why is surrounded by a tornado of emotions and feelings that come in waves that range from intense sadness to incredible anger and frustration. This was my week. Though my scenario doesn’t fit into any of the questions above.

It’s funny because no matter what my specific heartbreak is…..I still asked “why?” What I realized in those questioning hours came something I had already learned. See this isn’t my first rodeo with the question why. We are old friends..

Here are my thoughts from this mornings journal entry

“Why” keeps echoing in my heart as I long to understand and my head keeps reminding me that I dont need to know why. The why isnt imortant to my story. Although I desperately want it to be.

The reality is the why is probably far more devastating than all the rest.

That’s a bit unbelievable or unreconcilable tor my mind BUT that is for God to be concerned about not me. I have put the why into His hands.

Almost 8 years ago I had to put another why intoGod’s hands too. Actually it was a whole bunch of whys. When I gave them to him it really began the healing process for a very traumatic event.

Was it easy? NOPE, but it needed to happen. If I held onto the whys I couldn’t move on or move past the trauma. The same was true when I was 16 and 8 and all the other times in between.

Here I find myself again, wrestling with God. He holds the why in his hand and I am so desperately trying to pry his fingers free so I can see it. Alas my muscles grow weary and I become exhausted from the battle that wages. Why can’t I remember from the very beginning of this fight that I am taking on the all-powerful God? If I did I would save the energy of even trying.

Sometimes He witholds the Why.

Sometimes he witholds the why for my protection. I am his kid and he is my heavenly Father. We as parents withold whys from our kids because the answer could be far more damaging. Our kids trust us because they understand that we have their best interests at heart.

I know that He sometimes wiitholds the answer to why to help my faith grow in him. I know that IF I knew the why it could cause me to have an even deeper faith crisis, so I need to trust that God really is in control.

When I finally let God have the Why

When I finally let God have the why and quit trying to pry it from his all-powerful grip- it is me saying “not only are you all-powerful God BUT you are also all-knowing – You know what’s best for me and I trust you with the why.”

Out of the act of trust I become incredibly grateful. Grateful for:

  • For the protection because sometimes we can’t handle the truth (even though we think we can)
  • For the Love God shows for me by protecting me. He’s not just exerting his power. He is covering me like a mam bird protecting her babies from the harsh storm raging outside
  • For God’s desire to take something so ugly and so hurtful and turn it into something so incredibly beautiful.

I am so incredibily grateful that pain and hurting isn’t wasted. I know and am confident that God WILL use this for Good and for His Glory!!

BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT?

I’ve seen it. There is a caviat though.

I have seen it time and time again in my own life, where God redeems the hurt and radically changes me and the poeple around me. That caviat…I have to LET Him use it. It’s amazing that our all-powerful God doesn’t choose to wrestle with us. He will wait patiently- for years – until we say ok God you can use that part of me. He will chase us and pursue us just like that good shepherd with that lost sheep because he cares for us so deepy, but he won’t wrestle us because he wants us to choose him!

So yes I have had to say yes to him, without limits. This isn’t about my terms. All I have to do is say yes and take that next step. When I say that, it makes it sound so easy. I can promise you it’s not, but it is so worth it. I held onto somethings for nealry 20 years and it wasn’t until this past mMarch that I gave him the piece I had been holding onto. When those nexts steps came I took a big gulp held his hand and moved forward in my faith. I had to choose to please God NOT man.

If that is all that it is: just taking the next step, no matter how small, the most beautiful thing of allwhen I (or you) stretch my faith muscles and I begin to look more like Jesus, more like his kid, more like HIS princess.

When that happens people watch and see. Jesus is made famous. I have fulfilled my purose. I am set free from the WHY!

Now it’s Your turn

Are you holding onto a “Why?”

What would your next step be if you gave it to Jesus?

What’s holding You back!?!

Thanks so much for joining me for this edition of Gratitude in the Middle.

You can check out other posts here.

5 Things I’m Not Responsible For AND NEITHER ARE YOU!

Posted on by Mary
responsible

Happy Wednesday Friends! Over the last few months, I have been doing a lot of heart work, as if you couldn’t tell!!! One of the things that I have had to do was a bunch of reality checks. And A lot of those had to do with unrealistic expectations either I had or ones that others had for me. More often than not though it was one that I had embraced over time, you know the ones. The ones you fight at first but you become so worn down over time then all of a sudden you are like whoa what happened?

That’s where I was when I realized that I had taken on a whole bunch of responsibilities that were just plain and simple NOT mine.

So here are the 5 responsibilities that aren’t mine to have

  1. I’m not responsible for people’s life decisions!- I can lead them to the truth. I can teach them but at the end of the day if they don’t follow what I have taught it’s not my responsibility and I’m not going to be held accountable for their decisions. (even if they seem to think I am.)
  2. I’m not responsible for others’ relationships with God- This includes my children, my hubby, the people in my church, and my friends. The old adage of ” you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink” comes to mind. Interestingly enough we have to go no further than Jesus t see this is true. Not only did Jesus teach truth, but he also lived and breathed it. Jesus is TRUTH. But not everyone he taught embraced that truth. JUDAS. Was it Jesus’ responsibility to make sure that Judas obeyed the TRUTH? Nope. That is, drumroll, please…JUDAS’S RESPONSIBILITY!! No Joke! We live in a world where we don’t like to take personal responsibility for our actions. We can come up with a million different ways to make it someone else’s fault. Our circumstances may be rooted in other people’s choices BUT what we do with them- THAT’S our responsibility. How we choose to respond, both in action or with words- our choices related to our circumstancences= our responsibility.
  3. I’m not responsible for someone else’s bad attitude. That piggybacks off #2. Their attitude is their choice. I cannot make someone have a good attitude. I can lead them or encourage them to change it but at the end of the day, THEY have a choice to make not me.
  4. I’m not responsible for when someone gets angry and loses their self-control. I’m not responsible for other people’s sins. Someone’s actions do not warrant a lack of self-control. whether to myself or to someone else. Once upon a time, I was told if I did something, someone would harm themself. That is mental/emotional abuse. It is a manipulation tactic that worked. I lived in fear of that person and what they might do. I was in an ongoing game of mental chess. I lived in a constant cycle of “if I do this then they might do this”. As our pastor says “That’s a game you will never win. If they chose to do something that’s their choice and I am not responsible for it.
  5. I am not responsible to fix other people’s sins. Following Jesus is costly, and if someone wants to do so they much chose that hard path. BUT I can’t do it for them. I can give suggestions but I can’t do it for them.

BONUS

I’m not responsible for carrying on relationships. For decades I have felt the need to carry on relationships. I have friends that I have always been the first ones to always text or call. I also have had relationships in my life that will call to ask how I’m doing ad then cut me off just to talk for an hour about their lives and if I get a chance to talk it’s “oh I gotta let you go.” Talk about a complex inducing what is wrong with me scenario. For a long time, I felt really guilty that I wasn’t a good enough friend because they didn’t check in on me or they would get offended when I didn’t check in. the reality is it is NOT my responsibility to carry the weight of relationships. I need to let go of that guilt that comes from passive-aggressive comments whether in person or on social media.

What happened as I have let go

As I have grown and learned and been counseled over the last few months I have come to realize I am not alone in these struggles. That brought so much freedom. There was a release and a huge sense of peace I didn’t expect to experience. I felt as though I was being crushed by invisible weights. Every responsibility I was trying to carry made me feel like a failure. Of course, I was going to feel like a failure because I was trying to do something that wasn’t for me to do. It was more than a feeling I WAS failing. I was failing at being Suzy because I’m not Suzy. I can never be Suzy. Only Suzy can be Suzy. I can only be Mary. When I stopped trying to be Suzy for Suzy I was set free from failing to be Suzy! (Funny how that works)

I am still growing in my understanding of what I am not responsible for. It’s a journey. I hope that my journey ad what I have learned helps give you freedom from unrealistic expectations, whether it is self-placed or placed on you by someone in your life.

Now it’s your turn: What are you NOT Responsible for?

What are some things you are holding onto that aren’t your responsibilities? Have you let go of them? How did you do it if you did or what should your next steps be?

Thanks so much for joining me on this journey feel free to check out last Wednesday’s post Truth is I’m Not Who You Think I am

Truth Is: I’m Not Who You Think I Am

Posted on by Mary
Truth

Happy Wednesday friends. today’s post was born out of an interaction I had a few weekends ago. At one point in the interaction, the woman told me “You can’t handle the truth about who you are.”

OUCH! I was devastated. The problem is this woman didn’t know me. She made some assumptions based on who I was married to or better yet what he did as a job. AND that I confronted some poor behavior. She had met me for a whopping 30 minutes. Along with some texting interactions.

There is no way she could really know who I was in that short interaction.

The Problem and the reality is MANY people make assumptions about pastors and Pastor’s Wives. More importantly, though we as pastors’ wives need to stop drinking in the pressure and the lies peole put on us.

Truth is:

  1. I’m not a religious leader. I’m a woman married to a pastor. I love Jesus and yes I am a leader. That is part of who God made me. AND over the last number of months when my husband wasn’t a pastor I was still a leader.
  2. I am an imperfect leader. I make mistakes and wrong choices and sometimes (GASP) I sin. But I’m not defined by it. There is the underlying idea that pastors and wives are these superhuman beings who never sin. They are supposed to be these super-spiritual people who are at least supposed to look and behave immaculately in public. WRONG. If that is what we are looking for we will always be disappointed. this is aimed just as much at me as it is to those who think that way of me….because perfectionism is just as much of a struggle for me for myself. I am a recovering people pleaser.
  3. Counseling wasn’t meant to be used as a weapon toward other people. It’s meant to help the person grow not as ammunition.
  4. I want to stand for what is right and make Jesus forefront. I don’t want anything to be all about me.
  5. I can’t give what I don’t have. This is twofold. (1) In the case of this woman, she insisted I was withholding information that I didn’t have. And because she laid the accusation I felt intense guilt. Guilt that wasn’t mine to have. (2). Pastor’s families cannot fill every void in the church or other people’s lives. We have just as many jours in the day as everyone else. Sometimes we have less energy. You can only pour out so much.
  6. I don’t know what to do when I get a verbal tongue lashing. , so I clam up. I won’t argue I won’t fight. That is not helpful. I am rendered senseless from past experiences. It doesn’t mean I’m giving the silent treatment It doesn’t mean that I’m being elusive. It means I need to process what has been said
  7. Jesus is able to heal my heart- no matter what has happened and it turns it into something beautiful for his glory!
  8. Not everyone will like me- BUT God ALWAYS will. He loves me just as I am.

So how did I get to these points?

It really comes down to some spiritual growth over the last year. So I woke up the next morning after crying myself to sleep the night before and I began praying. More tears were shed. I took these accusations to the one who knows my heart better than I. And out of that prayer time came these truths. I had to ask myself some hard questions. I had to really embrace what was true rather than the lies that Satan was using to create doubt, shame, and guilt that weren’t mine. THEN I had to do the hardest thing for me to do….I had to let it go ( I know cue the Frozen Song). And for the first time, I did just that, right then and there. I experienced freedom.

NOTHING she said had any foundation whatsoever!

Moving Forward

So what about the future? This isn’t going to be the last time. People are people. Just like me, they are human. They have bad days, they make mistakes and wrong choices. We are all selfish beings. I need to keep the truth in the forefront. As much as people can make assumptions and judge our intentions those things are between God and me. And so to seek his input more than anyone else is the most important thing.

(Personal note: These are responses are to the specific accusations she made)

Thanks so much for joining me on this journey as this was my last phase of processing this situation.

I hope that these things help you if you ever experience this type of situation.

Check out my last post Broken Places

If you are new here introduce yourself in the comments below and also let me know how you have handled these types of situations in your past. What helped you grow past these hard experiences?

Hello June: Happy Homemaker Monday 6/6/2022

Posted on by Mary
June

Hello Friends and Happy June! Lonf time no see! Its been a whirlwind of a couple of months. We have moved (Kinda). We had to put our furry friend Rosie down. I have severly injured my ankle and a host of other craziness. Over the next few month we will also be blogging our journey of transforming a barn into a house!

So far it’s been quite the adventure! A very good adventure. We are enjoyig the whole process. . It is challenging at times but for the most part we are having fun!

So let’s Jump into the firt June Happy Homemaker Monday

♥♥ The Weather ♥♥

Monday –  80 and sunny
Tuesday – 72 and rain  Wednesday – 74 and rain
Thursday – 71 and mostly sunny
Friday -73 and mostly sunny
Saturday – 71 and ra
Sunday -in 72 and rain

♥♥  As I look outside my window ♥♥

beautiful warm sunny day with kiddos playing hockey in the church parking lot

♥♥  Right now I am ♥♥

sitting in my hubby’s office typing away. It’s been an absolutely nutty past week (more on that on Thursday)

♥♥  Thinking and pondering ♥♥

The purpose of this last week. It has been stretching and exhausting in so many ways. Most of the time in a negative way.

♥♥  How am I feeling ♥♥

Good but exhausted

♥♥  On the breakfast plate ♥♥

egg whites.      

♥♥  On my reading pile ♥♥

  • I have some counseling books to finish
  • Hello Fears
  • the book of Romans

♥♥  On my TV this week  ♥♥

Nothing

♥♥  On the menu  ♥♥ 

Monday – Beef Stroganoff Tuesday- Sloppy Joes and baked Poatoes Wednesday Soup
Thursday – Taco Salad
Friday -Mashed Poato Sudaes
Saturday -Grilled Chicken and Rice
Sunday –  Pasta and Salad

♥♥  Looking around the house  ♥♥

Ahem…Camper…A few dishes to be done. I still need to work on my closet and the kitchen table

♥♥ To-Do List ♥♥–

Packing, though we are running low on boxes

♥♥  From the camera  ♥♥

The New View

♥♥  Devotional  ♥♥

Thanks so much for joining me today! For more Happy Homemaker Monday Posts Check Out Diary of a Stay at Home Mom

Broken Places

Posted on by Mary
Broken

Broken Places, we all have them. Maybe we don’t want to admit that we do. Maybe just maybe we don’t really know those places are broken. Maybe we have already worked through a process of forgiveness, letting go, or dealing with grief. It can be anything really. Then one day Jesus shows up (ok so he’s always here but for the sake of my connection let’s roll with him showing up) and says oh yeah that thing you stacked away in the closet, et’s deal with that, NOW.

If you are like me, I was dumbfounded. Lord, I’ve dealt with that. We are all good.

Enter the Woman at the Well (John 4:4-42)

Now my story and her story are not the same at all….or is it?

Well for starters, I have only been married once. So if there are any questions along those lines I just took care of them. When the woman went to the well that day, she had no idea she was going to encounter the one who knew all of her deep dark secrets, or not-so secrets/. She had a reputation.

When I woke up a month ago with my mind racing with all sorts of scary emotions I had no idea that deep in my heart Jesus was going to say “ok today is the day Mary, let’s put it all on the table”

The Woman at the well became a point of fascination a few months ago. I couldn’t tell you why at the time. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I don’t know why I was reading about her, I don’t even know when it was. I just knew I was drawn to her. I have snippets of notes that really at this point mean nothing to me. I just know that I connected with her on a whole new level.

And if you have been around here for very long you know when that happens a Coffee With Friends Post is born.

And here we are….

I want to give her a name because the Saratan woman or the Woman at the well doesn’t seem personal enough for a Coffee with Friends post. So I am going to call her…Sophia. (Please know that this isn’t her real name. It’s just for the sake of this post.).

Jesus went to that well to meet Sophia, and Sophia went to the well to get water. She went there in the warmest part of the day to ensure she wouldn’t hear the whispers and see the glares and feel like she was being judged. Jesus knew that because Jesus KNEW Sophia. He knew everything about her! He especially knew what she needed and it wasn’t the water from Jacob’s well. He knew she needed him and what he had to offer- living water that becomes a fresh bubbling spring that will give them eternal life (verse 14)

Now, go get your husband… GULP.

Oh to not be in her shoes, UH I don’t have a husband. GULP.

Jesus said yep you are right, you have had five husbands and the dude you are with now isn’t your husband DOUBLE GULP!

AND SHE STAYED

Goodness friends if I were her I would have been gone. A dude I have never met is telling me all about my life. It freaked me out bad enough when my pastor said a few things about me that I had never put together. (I did some gulping of my own!!!) And here she is just being present

AND Then she changes the subject….common we have all been there done that. We don’t want to deal with the pain we have in our hearts. Whether it’s sin, grief, abuse, broken relationships, YOU NAME IT WE WILL AVOID IT…like the PLAGUE. We don’t like to be uncomfortable.

The funny thing is Jesus humored her. He didn’t go back. to her sin. He answered her questions and in the end, reveals he is the Messiah.

The disciples come back and Sophia rushes off to tell everyone she knows about Jesus. and how he has told her ALL she has EVER done!

She uses her testimony with Jesus and many f the villagers run to meet him and believe in him in the process.

Her willingness to stay present with Jesus led to her life being changed. She could have stayed busy and filled her jug and been on with her daily chores.

WOW!

How this relates to me

Well like the woman at the well I too have broken places. Places in my heart that I have neatly placed the “dealt with pile” and I closed and locked the door. They were considered off-limits to even me. The problem is I still knew they were there. So I began to distract myself from them. My number one choice of distraction…PEOPLE. I can care for people. I am a pretty good listener, unless I have b]my earbuds in and then well everyone wonders why I’m not paying attention. (I put them in when I am “in the zone”.). I never really set boundaries. It was always easier to help people with their hurt and pain because it distracted me from my own.

But then all of a sudden there were no people. I was sick. Then we left our church and there were even fewer people. I was broken in so many ways. I was strong for hubby, the kids, and for anybody else who came to me. And I began to hide behind my phone. I knew I was distracted but I didn’t know why.

That morning I woke up I was face to face with Jesus- I had removed the phone issue. Within a week’s time, I was face to face with that closet full of broken places. Broken relationships, painful memories, wrong choices, failures, hurt I sustained at the hands of others and what those things had done to me. The reality is I hadn’t dealt with them. Yes, I had forgiven those involved. No, I wasn’t harboring anger towards anyone, BUT those things had created walls. Walls for people who weren’t even involved. They were walls of fear, and anxiety and had tainted how I saw myself. Some of that is still so startling to think about

Pefectionism creot in

See I was SOOOOO afraid of being in trouble that I tried to make sure everything was just right. I checked off this list of how to love people (ahem that would be 1 Corinthians 13). This is a whole other blog post in and of itself. But I had a mental checklist of bible passages.

BUT sometimes even when you love someone with the whole list they don’t do the same for you- it’s one-sided and you kinda just start believing you aren’t worth it. That it really doesn’t apply to you. Boy, I had no idea that was the path I was on and it shook me to the core. I was afraid of everybody. Even my poor hubby – I didn’t know it. We have been the best of friends for over 20 years (wow that makes me sound old).

I knew I could trust someone….my dog Rosie. for 9 years she laid at my feet in my craft room/ office. She sat next to me on the couch and would listen to me talk myself through whatever struggle was going on. She never talked back, she never ignored me, she didn’t judge, or roll her eyes.

She saw me cry and didn’t say, Get over it. I chuckle as I write that. She was my best non-human friend. She kept every secret. She would even smile. But then this week I had to say goodbye. To say it was difficult is a gross understatement. But as I processed this on Monday I realized something. I need to be more active in the just being department.

To let myself feel and think and process. I don’t do that well. I always have stuff to be done. Keeping busy is what I am good at. so I made a choice.

I actively chose to BE.

Now I was still doing something, but it was different. I hadn’t picked up my art supplies to use since the end of October minus a coloring book. Not the same thing for me. I finished inktober and moved on with the holidays. Because when I slowed down and stopped the mental “doing” my mind drifted to places I didn’t like it to drift.

I knew that we would be spending the day at church on Tuesday. I started thinking about all the things I needed to do and I stopped myself and said No Mary tomorrow you are just going to be still. I picked a room that was away from everything else with comfy chairs. I popped my earbuds in with our family playlist of worship music, some peppy some not so peppy and I let those words flow through me and out my brush.

Here’s what happened

I started out with an idea for my April bullet journal page

And from there I redid an inktober pen sketch from 2020. It was just a fast sketch I did originally,, but I wanted to do a better job on it this go around.

The next three are just simple little expressions. It’s not ever about doing fancy art. Sometimes it’s just about taking the time to use a passion God has given you. It’s not about being very good. It’s not about impressing other people It’s about just simply being and taking part in the process, thinking, praying, and worshipping. For each person that’s going to look a little different.

When we choose to let Jesus in to work on our heart stuff, (and yes it is our choice) he doesn’t promise it will get easier- but what he will do is transform it into something beautiful. It won’t be according to how I think it should be used, or not used, but rather what will bring him the most honor and glory. I just love how Jesus redeemed Sophia’s story. He didn’t publically humiliate her. He met her where she was at. She chose to stay and listen and in the end ran to the very people she was trying to avoid in the first place to share about Jesus. I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than that!

So will you join me on my journey of giving God my broken places?

You can check out the other coffee with friends posts here