“WHY?” We all ask it. Toddlers and middle schoolers go through it. They are inquisitive of the world around them. The old phrase “inquiring minds want to know.” comes to mind. If we are honest as adults we continue to ask why. And the hardest of why’s comes in the middle of hard things.
- Why did I lose my job?
- Why did my boyfriend/girlfriend break up with me?
- Why did I lose my child at such a young age?
- Why do I have cancer?
- Why did my parents get killed in a car accident?
The list is endless. The list is full of heartbreak and trauma.
And to complicate things the why is surrounded by a tornado of emotions and feelings that come in waves that range from intense sadness to incredible anger and frustration. This was my week. Though my scenario doesn’t fit into any of the questions above.
It’s funny because no matter what my specific heartbreak is…..I still asked “why?” What I realized in those questioning hours came something I had already learned. See this isn’t my first rodeo with the question why. We are old friends..
Here are my thoughts from this mornings journal entry
“Why” keeps echoing in my heart as I long to understand and my head keeps reminding me that I dont need to know why. The why isnt imortant to my story. Although I desperately want it to be.
The reality is the why is probably far more devastating than all the rest.
That’s a bit unbelievable or unreconcilable tor my mind BUT that is for God to be concerned about not me. I have put the why into His hands.
Almost 8 years ago I had to put another why intoGod’s hands too. Actually it was a whole bunch of whys. When I gave them to him it really began the healing process for a very traumatic event.
Was it easy? NOPE, but it needed to happen. If I held onto the whys I couldn’t move on or move past the trauma. The same was true when I was 16 and 8 and all the other times in between.
Here I find myself again, wrestling with God. He holds the why in his hand and I am so desperately trying to pry his fingers free so I can see it. Alas my muscles grow weary and I become exhausted from the battle that wages. Why can’t I remember from the very beginning of this fight that I am taking on the all-powerful God? If I did I would save the energy of even trying.
Sometimes He witholds the Why.
Sometimes he witholds the why for my protection. I am his kid and he is my heavenly Father. We as parents withold whys from our kids because the answer could be far more damaging. Our kids trust us because they understand that we have their best interests at heart.
I know that He sometimes wiitholds the answer to why to help my faith grow in him. I know that IF I knew the why it could cause me to have an even deeper faith crisis, so I need to trust that God really is in control.
When I finally let God have the Why
When I finally let God have the why and quit trying to pry it from his all-powerful grip- it is me saying “not only are you all-powerful God BUT you are also all-knowing – You know what’s best for me and I trust you with the why.”
Out of the act of trust I become incredibly grateful. Grateful for:
- For the protection because sometimes we can’t handle the truth (even though we think we can)
- For the Love God shows for me by protecting me. He’s not just exerting his power. He is covering me like a mam bird protecting her babies from the harsh storm raging outside
- For God’s desire to take something so ugly and so hurtful and turn it into something so incredibly beautiful.
I am so incredibily grateful that pain and hurting isn’t wasted. I know and am confident that God WILL use this for Good and for His Glory!!
BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT?
I’ve seen it. There is a caviat though.
I have seen it time and time again in my own life, where God redeems the hurt and radically changes me and the poeple around me. That caviat…I have to LET Him use it. It’s amazing that our all-powerful God doesn’t choose to wrestle with us. He will wait patiently- for years – until we say ok God you can use that part of me. He will chase us and pursue us just like that good shepherd with that lost sheep because he cares for us so deepy, but he won’t wrestle us because he wants us to choose him!
So yes I have had to say yes to him, without limits. This isn’t about my terms. All I have to do is say yes and take that next step. When I say that, it makes it sound so easy. I can promise you it’s not, but it is so worth it. I held onto somethings for nealry 20 years and it wasn’t until this past mMarch that I gave him the piece I had been holding onto. When those nexts steps came I took a big gulp held his hand and moved forward in my faith. I had to choose to please God NOT man.
If that is all that it is: just taking the next step, no matter how small, the most beautiful thing of allwhen I (or you) stretch my faith muscles and I begin to look more like Jesus, more like his kid, more like HIS princess.
When that happens people watch and see. Jesus is made famous. I have fulfilled my purose. I am set free from the WHY!
Now it’s Your turn
Are you holding onto a “Why?”
What would your next step be if you gave it to Jesus?
What’s holding You back!?!
Thanks so much for joining me for this edition of Gratitude in the Middle.
You can check out other posts here.