Restlessness and Grace

Posted on by Mary
Grace

Restless if I Had to pick a word to describe me lately RESTLESS would definitely be it. Grace is the answer I found in an unlikely way. Let me explain: I can’t settle my brain or heart on a task or even writing for very long before I get distracted by pretty much anything. I can’t settle myself to complete a project or a chore, my devotions or read. It took me a couple of weeks to recognize this pattern that was becoming more evident. Then last week I had this idea to paint. nNothing too involved.

I whipped off two pieces pretty quickly but as I did so my brain thought, “Man I wish I could do X, Y, and Z that focused”. I got to thinking about some of my favorite artists that I follow on YouTube and what they say about art block…DRAW, every day. And I began to ponder that. I sat down with my journal and stared at the blank pages and just like my blog I had no idea what I was going to write about.

Don’t get me wrong I have nearly 35 blog posts on the list to be written. BUT I could write 2-3 sentences and my brain checked out saying enough is enough. and I would move on to something else. Now I will preface this by saying that there are probably 15 good reasons why this is happening right now. This isn’t a normal place for me to live in. I can count on one hand the times this has happened. GENERALLY, it is because God is doing something in my heart. I have to struggle through the process. I can tell you each time God has taken something and moved me to the next step of my faith and I know that I am on the cusp of that.

A CHOICE

So what did I do? Well, first I searched a couple of websites for some one-word writing prompts. The problem was they were all based on a theme. I wanted to have more creative options so I had this spark of genius. Turn to my friends and family to give me words. And they didn’t disappoint! I am still hoping to get a few more. (Feel free to drop some in the comments below.)

Next, I went back to college…no not like that. I had a lot of focus issues in college (yep just like right now) and one of the things I did was write in a notebook. It was a lot of creative writing pieces. Things that only one set of eyes besides my own have read (yep my hubby).

When I was finished I would be able to focus on school work. and it worked great then however I don’t have the time I did in college I’m a wife and mom and I have lots of responsibilities so I took a cue from the Five Minute Friday prompts and gave myself a time limit. Ten minutes. I need to journal for ten minutes BUT if I am on a roll I will go past the ten minutes and go until my words are all spilled out on the pages. The first day was 20 minutes!!!!

Today was 10.

The goal wasn’t a blog post for every word but as I wrote that first journal entry I knew it was a blog post in the making. The word…..

GRACE

If you have been around here for any length of time you know that Grace is an ongoing topic. My heart reacted. UGH! I write about grace ALL THE TIME….And a verse entered my brain immediately. My frustration had nothing to do with the person who suggested it, it was an indicator of my heart condition.

“My grace is sufficient for YOU” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

If you know me you know I struggle with perfectionism. I had no idea that I did until someone pointed out in March. (OUCH). I tell women all the time that no one is perfect and that they should give themselves grace and blah blah blah. I believe that but rarely did I apply it to myself.

The problem is my grace is flawed, just like me. So when that verse entered into my head I knew it was God speaking to my restless heart because at the root of my restless heart is that nasty little word, PERFECTION. My to-do list (imposed by me ) is a million miles long and I cannot choose where to start and when I do I think of something else that “more important”. (ACCORDING TO WHO?)

That verse hits the nail on the head- God’s Grace is Suffcient for ME. It is literally all the grace I need. I don’t have to accomplish my to-do list. It will be there tomorrow (obviously there are time sensitive things). I don’t have to get them all done nor do I have to work from sun up til bed time and it is ok for me to just relax.

I’m responsible for my time. I can get myself so stressed out by all that needs to be accomplished that I just check out and lose sight of what is most important.

Does this mean my restless heart is fixed?

Nope not a chance. I have written two days in a row. My focus has been better. This isn’t a quick fix, this is just habit building. Having fun and relaxing instead of feeling that every post or writing experience has to be “on”.

God’s grace isn’t just sufficient for me, it’s sufficient for you too. God’s grace meets us where we are. Whether it’s a restless heart, a difficult decision or trauma OR in the middle of our sin. God’s grace is sufficient to cover it all and so much more. SO So much more.

So I choose obedience and to rest in God’s Grace and when restless heart and mind kick in I will do my very best to give it to him and Choose his grace!

Have you ever suffered from restless heart/mind? If so what did you do about it? Was God trying to get your attention or do work in your heart? Let me know in comments below!

Thanks for joining me today, I am so glad you are here! If you are new introduce yourslf in the comments below!

Blessings

Mary

Progress: Happy Homemaker Monday 7/18/2022

Posted on by Mary
Summer

Hello My happy friends! What a week it has been! It’s been a week of progress in some areas and yet in others, it has been a real struggle. I set out to write so many times this week and words just aren’t coming. It’s been a struggle I’m not sure why it just is. This week though I’ve changed some things up and I am going to revisit some old habits that I have let go of in our current season.

♥♥ The Weather ♥♥

SUMMER is showing up this week! That’s progress! It’s been stuck in late May temps here for like the last 2 months so I’m excited to see summer temps come!

Monday –  Scattered thunderstorms and 77

Tuesday – partly cloudy and 86
Wednesday – partly cloudy and 90

Thursday – thunderstorms and 84

Friday – partly cloudy ad 84

Saturday – thunderstorms and 85

Sunday – thunderstorms and 84temps

These are by no means “normal” NY July weather, but at least it’s not 50 and rainy!

♥♥  As I look outside my window ♥ ♥  

When I look outside the back of the camper I see freshly placed plywood…More progress

♥♥  Right now I am ♥♥

sucking down major amounts of water, applying oils generously and wishing I had brought tylenol in hopes to chase away the starts of what feels like a dandy headache coming on.

♥♥  Thinking and pondering ♥♥

lots of things. Its been hard to really settle my mind over the last few weeks and focus. Probably why its been so hard to focus and write- or at least part of it. Do you suffer from restless heart? I do but not very often. Teasing out the cause can take a while though. This isn’t a bad thing I t usually is a precursor of some form of growth in my life. I just need to process it (More progress).

♥♥  How am I feeling ♥♥

Pretty good. Last week was IVIG. No real side effects though I need have some weird tummy troubles but it wasn’t related….IVIG tummy troubles are VERY distincrt.

♥♥  On the breakfast plate ♥♥

Coffee and maybe some toast later


♥♥  What I’m wearing  ♥♥

black capris black and white striped shirt and sandles

♥♥  On my reading pile ♥♥

My Bible, a couple of counseling books, revisiting the book boundaries later this month
Hello Fears, and The Life-Giving Home

♥♥  On my TV this week  ♥♥

Nothing

♥♥  On the menu  ♥♥ 

Monday – Loaded baked potatoes
Tuesday – Burgers and potato salad
Wednesday – pasta
Thursday – Soup
Friday – Tacos
Saturday – BBQ tater tot casserole

♥♥  Looking around the house  ♥♥

Still working on campeer organizaion but I have made big progress in that this week as well.

I also REALLY need to fold laundry!!!

♥♥ To-Do List ♥♥

  • Laundry
  • reading
  • I have a few dishes to catch up on
  • homeschool planning for the next school year

♥♥  From the camera  ♥♥

progress

Progress!!

♥♥  Devotional  ♥♥

I have been working with 1 Corinthians 13 over the last few months and have some upcoming posts I’m working on centering around 1 Corinthians 13 and maybe some unconventional thoughts abuout that passage.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away

So what are you progressing in this week? Let me know in the comments below.

Thanks for joining me this week for Happy Homemaker Monday. You can check out more posts like this one by visiting Diary of a Stay at Home Mom

And you can check out more of my Happy Homemaker Monday posts here

Happy Summer! Happy Homemaker Monday

Posted on by Mary

Summer



♥♥ The Weather ♥♥

IIt has been gorgeous, though not quite hot enough for my liking. I enjoy wARMTH and since we live in a place where it is fairly cold most of the year I always hope we get toasty temps for summer.

Monday –  Sunny and 80

Tuesday – Thunderstorms and 78
Wednesday – partly cloudy and 78

Thursday – partyly cloudy and 79

Friday – thunderstorms and 79

Saturday – partly cloudy and 76

Sunday – Sunny and 77

These are by no means “normal” NY July weather, but at least it’s not 50 and rainy!

♥♥  As I look outside my window ♥ ♥  

Currently living in our camper we have pretty tiny windows and I am spending a lot of time outside at our picnic table. I am still restricted with how much I can be on my foot. Our new place is gorgeous and when it isn’t raining (it hasn’t done that very much) then I am enjoying the outdoors.
we are surrounded on three sides by pastures and the tall grasses that will soon be turned into hay bales wave gently in the almost constant breezes.

We have a plethora of songbirds that wake us up in the morning and tree frogs that serenade us at night.

♥♥  Right now I am ♥♥

Sitting outside enjoying the last few hours of sunlight (yes I’m writing on Sunday). I am listening to the breeze rustling the trees and the mourning doves cooing to each other. Hubby is making dinner so he and our two youngest can have a boy’s night. I can hear them playing Lego Batman on the new-to-them game system.

♥♥  Thinking and pondering ♥♥

Looking forward to tomorrow connecting with new church friends and a 4th of July BBQ. Thankful that we finally finished school. and that summer can really begin. Homeschooling while living in the camper and commuting between two homes has not been easy but it has been fun watching our new home transform.

♥♥  How am I feeling ♥♥

Feeling pretty good as long as I am not on my foot excessively. It has been hurt for over two months now and we are still waiting for an MRI to be approved. (It’s been denied twice). The doctor believes it was broken and not picked up by the original x-ray or I have since stress fractured it. Either way, the pain is growing old and I want to help with the process of moving and building more than I am.

♥♥  On the breakfast plate ♥♥

Sundays there’s not really time for breakfast. I will occasionally grab a banana and have coffee once I get to church


♥♥  What I’m wearing  ♥♥

Comfy pants and a purple and gray baseball tee and sneakers

♥♥  On my reading pile ♥♥

My Bible, a couple of counseling books, revisiting the book boundaries later this month
Hello Fears, and The Life-Giving Home

♥♥  On my TV this week  ♥♥

Whatever looks good on Pureflix this week

♥♥  On the menu  ♥♥ 

Monday – Chicken BB picnic
Tuesday – Soup
Wednesday – Make your own salad
Thursday – Pasta and Sauce
Friday – Schools over dinner and desert
Saturday – Picnic with some other friends

♥♥  Looking around the house  ♥♥

The Barn has been demo-ed on the inside. Our 12-year-old son and been so helpful. He is a go-getter and we have to make sure he isn’t up at the crack of dawn helping. The next step is placing a new wall

♥♥ To-Do List ♥♥

I have a bunch of cards to write and mail. I did a bunch already today. I have to mail 2 CAT tests and a school report. I have a laundry basket full of laundry to wash and two to fold. Prep this week for the person I mentor, dishes as always and I have to migrate stuff from the first 6-month planner to the next 6 months. And when we got back to the blue house later this week I have to pack pack pack and do IVIG on Friday

♥♥  From the camera  ♥♥

We have some absolutely amazing sunsets

♥♥  Devotional  ♥♥

I’ve been studying Romans 12 as I work with the Young Woman I am mentoring and we are studying it together

A Living Sacrifice to God

12 And so, dear brothers and sisters,[a] I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.[b] 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

3 Because of the privilege and authority[c] God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.[d] 4 Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, 5 so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.

6 In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.7 If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection,[e] and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.[f] 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

“I will take revenge;
    I will pay them back,”[g]
    says the Lord.

20 Instead, 

“If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
    If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
    burning coals of shame on their heads.”[h]

21 Don’t let evil conquer you but conquer evil by doing good.

Thanks for joining me this week for Happy Homemaker Monday. You can check out more posts like this one by visiting Diary of a Stay at Home Mom

And you can check out more of my Happy Homemaker Monday posts here

Gratitude In the Middle of Not Knowing WHY

Posted on by Mary
Why

“WHY?” We all ask it. Toddlers and middle schoolers go through it. They are inquisitive of the world around them. The old phrase “inquiring minds want to know.” comes to mind. If we are honest as adults we continue to ask why. And the hardest of why’s comes in the middle of hard things.

  • Why did I lose my job?
  • Why did my boyfriend/girlfriend break up with me?
  • Why did I lose my child at such a young age?
  • Why do I have cancer?
  • Why did my parents get killed in a car accident?

The list is endless. The list is full of heartbreak and trauma.

And to complicate things the why is surrounded by a tornado of emotions and feelings that come in waves that range from intense sadness to incredible anger and frustration. This was my week. Though my scenario doesn’t fit into any of the questions above.

It’s funny because no matter what my specific heartbreak is…..I still asked “why?” What I realized in those questioning hours came something I had already learned. See this isn’t my first rodeo with the question why. We are old friends..

Here are my thoughts from this mornings journal entry

“Why” keeps echoing in my heart as I long to understand and my head keeps reminding me that I dont need to know why. The why isnt imortant to my story. Although I desperately want it to be.

The reality is the why is probably far more devastating than all the rest.

That’s a bit unbelievable or unreconcilable tor my mind BUT that is for God to be concerned about not me. I have put the why into His hands.

Almost 8 years ago I had to put another why intoGod’s hands too. Actually it was a whole bunch of whys. When I gave them to him it really began the healing process for a very traumatic event.

Was it easy? NOPE, but it needed to happen. If I held onto the whys I couldn’t move on or move past the trauma. The same was true when I was 16 and 8 and all the other times in between.

Here I find myself again, wrestling with God. He holds the why in his hand and I am so desperately trying to pry his fingers free so I can see it. Alas my muscles grow weary and I become exhausted from the battle that wages. Why can’t I remember from the very beginning of this fight that I am taking on the all-powerful God? If I did I would save the energy of even trying.

Sometimes He witholds the Why.

Sometimes he witholds the why for my protection. I am his kid and he is my heavenly Father. We as parents withold whys from our kids because the answer could be far more damaging. Our kids trust us because they understand that we have their best interests at heart.

I know that He sometimes wiitholds the answer to why to help my faith grow in him. I know that IF I knew the why it could cause me to have an even deeper faith crisis, so I need to trust that God really is in control.

When I finally let God have the Why

When I finally let God have the why and quit trying to pry it from his all-powerful grip- it is me saying “not only are you all-powerful God BUT you are also all-knowing – You know what’s best for me and I trust you with the why.”

Out of the act of trust I become incredibly grateful. Grateful for:

  • For the protection because sometimes we can’t handle the truth (even though we think we can)
  • For the Love God shows for me by protecting me. He’s not just exerting his power. He is covering me like a mam bird protecting her babies from the harsh storm raging outside
  • For God’s desire to take something so ugly and so hurtful and turn it into something so incredibly beautiful.

I am so incredibily grateful that pain and hurting isn’t wasted. I know and am confident that God WILL use this for Good and for His Glory!!

BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT?

I’ve seen it. There is a caviat though.

I have seen it time and time again in my own life, where God redeems the hurt and radically changes me and the poeple around me. That caviat…I have to LET Him use it. It’s amazing that our all-powerful God doesn’t choose to wrestle with us. He will wait patiently- for years – until we say ok God you can use that part of me. He will chase us and pursue us just like that good shepherd with that lost sheep because he cares for us so deepy, but he won’t wrestle us because he wants us to choose him!

So yes I have had to say yes to him, without limits. This isn’t about my terms. All I have to do is say yes and take that next step. When I say that, it makes it sound so easy. I can promise you it’s not, but it is so worth it. I held onto somethings for nealry 20 years and it wasn’t until this past mMarch that I gave him the piece I had been holding onto. When those nexts steps came I took a big gulp held his hand and moved forward in my faith. I had to choose to please God NOT man.

If that is all that it is: just taking the next step, no matter how small, the most beautiful thing of allwhen I (or you) stretch my faith muscles and I begin to look more like Jesus, more like his kid, more like HIS princess.

When that happens people watch and see. Jesus is made famous. I have fulfilled my purose. I am set free from the WHY!

Now it’s Your turn

Are you holding onto a “Why?”

What would your next step be if you gave it to Jesus?

What’s holding You back!?!

Thanks so much for joining me for this edition of Gratitude in the Middle.

You can check out other posts here.

5 Things I’m Not Responsible For AND NEITHER ARE YOU!

Posted on by Mary
responsible

Happy Wednesday Friends! Over the last few months, I have been doing a lot of heart work, as if you couldn’t tell!!! One of the things that I have had to do was a bunch of reality checks. And A lot of those had to do with unrealistic expectations either I had or ones that others had for me. More often than not though it was one that I had embraced over time, you know the ones. The ones you fight at first but you become so worn down over time then all of a sudden you are like whoa what happened?

That’s where I was when I realized that I had taken on a whole bunch of responsibilities that were just plain and simple NOT mine.

So here are the 5 responsibilities that aren’t mine to have

  1. I’m not responsible for people’s life decisions!- I can lead them to the truth. I can teach them but at the end of the day if they don’t follow what I have taught it’s not my responsibility and I’m not going to be held accountable for their decisions. (even if they seem to think I am.)
  2. I’m not responsible for others’ relationships with God- This includes my children, my hubby, the people in my church, and my friends. The old adage of ” you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink” comes to mind. Interestingly enough we have to go no further than Jesus t see this is true. Not only did Jesus teach truth, but he also lived and breathed it. Jesus is TRUTH. But not everyone he taught embraced that truth. JUDAS. Was it Jesus’ responsibility to make sure that Judas obeyed the TRUTH? Nope. That is, drumroll, please…JUDAS’S RESPONSIBILITY!! No Joke! We live in a world where we don’t like to take personal responsibility for our actions. We can come up with a million different ways to make it someone else’s fault. Our circumstances may be rooted in other people’s choices BUT what we do with them- THAT’S our responsibility. How we choose to respond, both in action or with words- our choices related to our circumstancences= our responsibility.
  3. I’m not responsible for someone else’s bad attitude. That piggybacks off #2. Their attitude is their choice. I cannot make someone have a good attitude. I can lead them or encourage them to change it but at the end of the day, THEY have a choice to make not me.
  4. I’m not responsible for when someone gets angry and loses their self-control. I’m not responsible for other people’s sins. Someone’s actions do not warrant a lack of self-control. whether to myself or to someone else. Once upon a time, I was told if I did something, someone would harm themself. That is mental/emotional abuse. It is a manipulation tactic that worked. I lived in fear of that person and what they might do. I was in an ongoing game of mental chess. I lived in a constant cycle of “if I do this then they might do this”. As our pastor says “That’s a game you will never win. If they chose to do something that’s their choice and I am not responsible for it.
  5. I am not responsible to fix other people’s sins. Following Jesus is costly, and if someone wants to do so they much chose that hard path. BUT I can’t do it for them. I can give suggestions but I can’t do it for them.

BONUS

I’m not responsible for carrying on relationships. For decades I have felt the need to carry on relationships. I have friends that I have always been the first ones to always text or call. I also have had relationships in my life that will call to ask how I’m doing ad then cut me off just to talk for an hour about their lives and if I get a chance to talk it’s “oh I gotta let you go.” Talk about a complex inducing what is wrong with me scenario. For a long time, I felt really guilty that I wasn’t a good enough friend because they didn’t check in on me or they would get offended when I didn’t check in. the reality is it is NOT my responsibility to carry the weight of relationships. I need to let go of that guilt that comes from passive-aggressive comments whether in person or on social media.

What happened as I have let go

As I have grown and learned and been counseled over the last few months I have come to realize I am not alone in these struggles. That brought so much freedom. There was a release and a huge sense of peace I didn’t expect to experience. I felt as though I was being crushed by invisible weights. Every responsibility I was trying to carry made me feel like a failure. Of course, I was going to feel like a failure because I was trying to do something that wasn’t for me to do. It was more than a feeling I WAS failing. I was failing at being Suzy because I’m not Suzy. I can never be Suzy. Only Suzy can be Suzy. I can only be Mary. When I stopped trying to be Suzy for Suzy I was set free from failing to be Suzy! (Funny how that works)

I am still growing in my understanding of what I am not responsible for. It’s a journey. I hope that my journey ad what I have learned helps give you freedom from unrealistic expectations, whether it is self-placed or placed on you by someone in your life.

Now it’s your turn: What are you NOT Responsible for?

What are some things you are holding onto that aren’t your responsibilities? Have you let go of them? How did you do it if you did or what should your next steps be?

Thanks so much for joining me on this journey feel free to check out last Wednesday’s post Truth is I’m Not Who You Think I am