At some point, we all need to START OVER at something. The process of restoration is no different. When we restore something we have to strip it down to its original structure in order to rebuild it to its original state (or better, stronger). No matter what part of our journey through life we are on starting over is hard. As I have focused on the word Restoration throughout this year starting over definitely seems to have been a consistent theme as well!
As of January 1 hubby started over in a new full-time position at the church we had been attending since we left our previous church after 12 years of serving there.
In May we moved into our camper as we undertook the starting over with a different house, that wasn’t quite a house yet….it was a horse barn that we are turning into a house. No matter what starting over has a great number of challenges.
Coming face to face with hard things.
A few weeks ago I sat staring at a blank screen. My planner opened to the list of 30+ blog post topics I have been contemplating- some for over 2 years, and I had NOTHING! I felt like I had no words. Everything I wanted to write could be taken wrong by someone and I don’t want to hurt or offend anyone. It’s been a slow building to that for a long time. It’s been ingrained in me. DON”T OFFEND.
The problem is though, sometimes just breathing offends people. Jesus offended people. Just saying the name of Jesus will offend some. I have to ask myself at what point am I going to draw the line in the sand and say enough is enough.
Truth is hard. It’s hard for me too. The reality is if I don’t write the truth then I might as well hang up the power cord to my computer and say “sorry God I’m just not going to do this anymore ” the funny thing is I did just that. Notice how I didn’t finish the write 31 days challenge? Don’t worry I’m going to but I have some things to write about first.
This is one of them.
As I plunked out post after post for the writing challenge I realized that I was writing a lot of disclaimers. All in the name of not offending. The hard part is we all have negative things about us that we need to grow out of. so no matter how many disclaimers I write, somewhere someone is going to be offended, no matter how hard I try not to offend. I’ve been offended by those similar types of things.
So what should we do with that offense?
If we find ourselves getting offended at something that should be a warning that there is some heart work that needs to be done.
The best thing I have found that helps me is to ask God to show me the truth. Show me my own heart. Have you ever heard the phrase ” You can’t handle the truth!”? It was made famous in the movie A FEW GOOD MEN. Most of the time that’s where we are..we can’t handle the truth
Prepare your heart for the truth. I had to do this as I wrestled with God (remember it’s my favorite thing to do) about giving up the blog. I didn’t know how to fix the problem. The problem was me and how I write.
I had given up the way I had started writing nearly 16 years ago. A daily narrative of my life as I journey through my life. I became disconnected from how I wrote as I struggled with not offending people. I had been accused of writing about things “I shouldn’t be writing about”. That’s where it started and it snowballed into where I am now. Unfortunately, It created a cycle in my mind that I wasn’t even aware of.
The problem is 2 fold:
First, the problem was the person assumed the passage I shared was about something that it wasn’t. He got offended because I just shared a passage from a Psalm. That really should have been my first indication that there was a problem but I was in a place of high trauma and that just fueled the abuse we were enduring.
The second problem is that it has to do with me. if it impacts me, touches my heart, and my life ad triggers my mind then I should be able to write about its impact. Do I have the right to air dirty laundry, fuel anger, be spiteful with my words, or share details that aren’t mine to share? Absolutely not! Have I fallen prey to that in the past? Unfortunately. But I have grown a lot in my walk with Jesus and grown in spiritual maturity.
However, I cannot give up valuable headspace to that so I had a choice to make.
Restore or Let Go (aka give up)
Giving up was the easiest answer because I hate drama. I will do whatever it takes to avoid it at all costs. I know that people-pleasing is a real struggle for me and is something I have been battling all year. It’s been an area of growth for a while now and after much prayer I believe this is the next step in process of letting that part of me go.
So I chose to restore!
What does that mean going forward?
Well, first it means that this isn’t going to be a perfect change and transition. I have to work really hard to find that passion and form of writing from the past.
Second, it means, at least for the time being I have to let go of the old list of posts. I still have them. I just have to rethink how I will write the to not be so “mechanical” and make them more personal.
Lastly, I won’t be doing a Happy Homemaker post for a while. It’s an easy post and I enjoy them but I was hiding behind it As in ” oh I wrote my post for the week so I’m all good now.”.
For the time being, I want to focus on what God has been doing in my life! Some of the stuff is hard. some of it’s amazing and he is using it all for his glory…especially if I share it!
The other BIG thing is I have started reviewing books again! I have been reading my brains out and I have two books ready to write posts for and another in the wings. I can tell you though that they aren’t easy topics.
So will you join me on this journey? I sure would love it if you would!!
Mary
