Tag: Faith

The Climb

Posted on by Mary

(This blog post was originally written in September of 2024, but never got published now is the time. For further information on what this post is about check out this post here)

I have been going around and around and around about what this crazy blog post should be called We have just passed a year since our day in Federal Court and the week leading up to said day in court hubby and I experoienced a mountain climb like no other.

Injured.

The prvious two years I had severly injured both of my ankles. In 2022 it was my left ankle We were pretty sure that I had broken it or some part of my foot due to the black streak across the top of my foot that lingered for months . In June of 2023 I had a serious mishap with a wet hose in the pouring rain as I ran to cover some very delicate seedlings. Needless to say the seedlings never got covered and I ended up on a chair with a very swollen ankle, knee and sore hip. Did I mention it was the same one. I couldn’t bend it very well again. Crutches, a brace and a long healing time.

Over my lifetime I have become accustomed to falls. It really is the life of a person with a visual impairment as my depth perception is lacking. Ron will often alert me to steps or uneven ground.

Just before I fell last year my two dear friends Steph and Beth had been asking me about our “case”. We had never heard the outsome as Ron’s phone was stolen. and that was the only way the US attorney could contact us. Honestly we just wanted to let it go and forget about it but these two friends…..so I googled like all good techie girls do….It wasn’t my first rodeo in this search.

But this time I landed on a different site. All the others had been the same, no info 2-3 years old right from the time he was arrested. USELSS was about the best word to descibe the websearch, but then…..a new link still a few years old but this one had the phone number OF THE ATTORNEYS OFFUICE.

I turned off my phoe.

I sat there staring at it. A voice echoing in my head….CALL. Call now.

I picked up my phone and tapped the number.

it was staring me in the face….CALL

I clicked call

RING RING RING

hello?

The rest os kinda a blur …I said who I was and how I was related to the case. All I wanted to know was, What happemed?

He was arrested in 2021, surely he must be tried and sentenced by now. Nope. He plead out. Sentencing would be in a few months. Wow. Just wow. Let’s just say the real court system does NOT operate on the same time allotment as Law and Order!

The sweet lady on the end of the phone told me that if the Attorney needed us (WAIT WHAT?) she would let us know by the end of the following week. The following week came and went and so did two more weeks. Then one day when I was at church My phone rang. Hi is the Mrs_______This is Assisstant US ATTORNEY________ Can we talk?

The next 30-45 minutes was full of lots of information I never EVER wanted to know about the case. Sentencing was scheduled for the end of August. It was likely to be rescheduled. Would you and Mr _________ be willing to testify in the sentencing or write victim impact statements. OH and would you consider letting your kids testify???

By this point I was Shaking by the overload of all that I had just heard and learned. Let alone being asked if I would be willing for my children come face to face with their abuser. For the first time time in 9 years. Everything within my body screamed “heck no.”

We were warned that sentencing might be changed from August to a later date. And even more so.

Sentencing was rescheduled for the end of September. Life was a whirlwind of crazy emotions. Not just for Ron and I but for all of our kids as well. In the middle of the wait my ankle was getting better but I had no flexibility in it and I was wearing a brace 24/7.

We had agreed to go on vacation with Steph and her family in early September which was a very welcomed distraction to say the leaset, all the while the US Attourney kept saying ” we aren’t sure if we need the kids yet”

The week before sentencing Ron and I spent almost every waking hour talking about and writing 4 victim impact statements that would be turned into the judge. I emailed mine first. Then the two kids. One week before the sentencing we said goodbye to our kiddos and headed off to a pastot’s and wives Retreat. I can hnestly say we were highly distracted and other than mealtimes we didnt spend much time with others. What we did do was we spent a whole lot of time hiking. We hiked and talked bum ankle and knee included. We hiked every trail but one. The one with the scenic outlook. With each passing day and the trails I was gaining some flexibility back in said ankle. Finally the last day Ron Looked at me and said ” Mary you wanna try it”. I reluctanty said yes.

Just like he did on every other hike Ron would say, Step here, hold onto my shoulder, hold my hand I will guide you.”

God does that right? He wants us to lean on him and trust his movement in our lives. Leaning on him, holing our hands, guiding us. In these monents over the last 9 years we have had no choice but to lean on God, let him direct us because blazing new trails is not an option.

We started off kinda rough. The camp hadnt taken down the signs for the old yellow trail so we were misguided for a bit.

So many people had good intentions over the last 10 years trying to sooth our wounds. “don’t worry te kids will forget”. Don’t buy that lie, they don’t and they won’t ever firget. there were lots of other misdirected advice as well.

We got turned back around, headed in the right direction….and then I came face to face with something I find terrifying…A LADDER. Im not afraid to say it, Im deathly afraid of heights, and Im ok with that. So now what? This thing was terrifying…..NOTHING was holding me back from this. Ron offered multiple times to turn around. BUT I’m stubborn, he knows this. So slowly (without looking down) climbed that crazy ladder.

the trail smoothed out after this. we left the stony rocky terraine of Pennsylvania Creek beds and boulder fields for a steeper climb. THIS WAS HARD. I kept telling Ron this really does signify the last nine yers. For parts of this trail he had his hand on my back pushing me albeit gently forward. We have taken that role on for each other over the years. Supporting each other through all the hard climbs we’ve faced.

As you climb mountains, the higher you get, the thinner the trees get. It was a beautiful fall day and as we climbed we were getting closer and closer to the top, just a few more feet Ron would tell me. Just a few more feet. I stopped to catch my breath. There were a group of teens ahead enjoying the overlook. The top was just steps away….my phone rang. We were 5 days till sentencing and this was the Atttorneys office.

Hi Mrs_____ this is so and so (the advocate we were working with. ) __________ wanted me to call and tell you that the kids won’t need to testify in sentencing. Matter of fact they don’t even need to come that day. Your victim impact statemnts to the judge were enough. The tears flowed freely. I dont even remember saying goodbye to the advocate. The teens passed by and I didn’t care.

A few steps further and we stepped into the overlook break in the trees. We could see everything. The whole camp. We had the whole picture. Answered prayers. A willingness to “do the next right thing” whatever that looked like. Was it easy? NOT A CHANCE. We had endured that 9 year climb. WE never stopped doing the next right thing. Making Jesus our center focus. teaching each one of our kids what forgiveness and grace looks llike. Were there times I wanted to quit on that hike. 100%. BUT i kept taking that next step forward. We enjoyed the moment. Praising God for walking with us on this journey and for caring for our family. For providig the friends who would journey with us to court the next week.

But that moment lasted but a brief moment. because what came next was we had to go back the way we came or do we head down the other side? Hmmmm. Down the otherside of course. We needed to go full circle right? At least thats how my brain worked? The catch….ITS STEEEEEEP. And my ankle doesn’t bend easily that way, but we did it anyway.

My hands firmly placed on Ron’s shoulders each step of the way. I leaned on him. He told me with each step where to place my feet. If I didn’t quite listen or get it right my ankle would tweak and I would grimmace in pain. Ron’s shoulders hurt for days afterwards.

What a picture of love and care and sacrifice Ron had for me. I really believe that he modeled Jesus’ love for us in those moments.. AT one point he even offered to carry me to which a loudly declined. ….something about not wanting to fall down the mountain… ( thats a story for another blog post). One more analogy for you though. Coming down the other side of the mountain…..in the weeks following the sentencing our kids struggled with a lot of questions, fear and anxiety. It wasn’t all rainbows and flowers after.

As we neared the road and I could see the end of the hike in sight I let go of Ron’s hand. I sprang to one rock and then another and another until i stepped on a loose rock. I fell. I twisted that bad akle and Ron said, I told you to be careful. I didn’t heed his warning. I didn’t hold onto him. I could finish by myself. I reached out and I held his hand, even on the flat road -we had done it. We completeled this leg of the journey and I knew going into the following Wednesday that our friends who journeyed with us would be holding our hands. giving us stregth. being Jesus just like Ron had been. So thank you, Alyssa, Dawn, Justin, Annie, Mike, Steph, and Beth for helping us take those next steps to our mountain top and down the other side. We are so grateful for all of you!

Blessings,

Mary

A New Season.

Posted on by Mary

Hey friends! Long time no see. I’m so glad you are here. The last year has been full of new things. We graduated our first kiddo. (The second is over 10 days away from finishing her senior year.)

As a mom I have spent the last 19 (3 weeks shy of 20) years cheering on my kids and their passions. I’ve loved almost every minute of it AND I don’t plan on changing a bit of it!

But as we begin to grow into this new season of launching kids it’s been interesting to see how God has opened new doors for me. I stepped back from here for quite some time and now as we enter this new phase I’m excited to jump back into my little piece of the internet.

So let me introduce myself. I’m Mary. Wife to my pastor husband for nearly 22 years. We had 4 kids in 5 years and they are currently 19, 18, 17, and 15.

My favorite picture of us to date!

Our journey hasn’t been easy. There have been mountain top experiences and the darkest of valleys. But in the end God has used every experience to bring Him glory and we feel blessed he saw fit to use us!

So since it’s been a while I thought we could have a bit of fun. Here’s 35 fun things about me (not my family because that’s protected info around here).

  1. I enjoy rainy spring and summer days. I love the sound on our roof, and when Ron and I were in college we would love to take long walks in the rain.
  2. I do NOT like my feat to be wet.
  3. I’m NOT a Fan of Sand.
  4. Frogs (specifically poison dart frogs ) are my favorite.
  5. I LOVE SLOTHS!!!!
  6. I have directed roughly 13 plays.
  7. I love to work with teenagers.
  8. I have my certificate in biblical counseling and I’m almost finished with another set of classes.
  9. I enjoy leading games as in large group games for our Launch program (aka Youth group).
  10. I enjoy reading though I have to force myself to read fiction.
  11. I taught myself to paint.
  12. We have homeschooled kids for the last 4 years.
  13. I used to be afraid of silence but now I love it.
  14. We have 2 dogs and 3 cats.
  15. I have been to China and Japan.
  16. My favorite food is Pizza.
  17. My favorite Old Testament character is Esther. (though I’m connecting with David now on a different level).
  18. Favorite New Testament character is Paul.
  19. Top 3 songs on my playlist right now a) That’s Who I Praise by Brandon Lake b) What an Awesome God by Phil Wickham c) Up+Up by Colton Dixon
  20. I am a planner girl -if ya know you know!
  21. I have this thing for mugs!!!!
  22. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons.
  23. I have owned a blog for 18 years 😳
  24. I’m not afraid of snakes….I actually like holding them (poisonous snakes are a different story).
  25. In college I only wore 3 colors…black, navy, and gray. Today I enjoywearing other colors and my favorites are purple and green.
  26. My favorite flowers…..ok I like them all but I have to go with my wedding flowers tulips and lilacs.
  27. I’ve been visually impaired since I was 13. And with that I can’t drive.
  28. Uncle Tom’s Cabin tops my favorites reading list.
  29. Ron and I enjoy history and visiting Presidents homes.
  30. I enjoy movies made about authors.
  31. Heath bars are my favorite.
  32. #1 on the bucket list…..cuddle a sloth!!!!
  33. Favorite place I’ve visited is Nashville TN.
  34. I prefer the mountains.
  35. Hairy cows (aka miniature highlands) have been discussed.

So what can you expect while visiting my little corner?

A little bit of everything. The reality is it was once called Walking The Walk and then it changed to Walking By Faith but its still the same premise. This little space of mine is about my faith journey. Past, Present And Future. It’s not always pretty but it’s not really supposed to be. Jesus takes our mess and makes it his Message, but we have to let him. All of it, work, ministry, family, friends, writing, book reviews…….its all wrapped into my faith journey. I can’t separate Jesus from any of it!

I’m so glad you are joining me on this jouney. I’m excited to see where this new season takes us.

Blessings,

Mary

Broken Places

Posted on by Mary
Broken

Broken Places, we all have them. Maybe we don’t want to admit that we do. Maybe just maybe we don’t really know those places are broken. Maybe we have already worked through a process of forgiveness, letting go, or dealing with grief. It can be anything really. Then one day Jesus shows up (ok so he’s always here but for the sake of my connection let’s roll with him showing up) and says oh yeah that thing you stacked away in the closet, et’s deal with that, NOW.

If you are like me, I was dumbfounded. Lord, I’ve dealt with that. We are all good.

Enter the Woman at the Well (John 4:4-42)

Now my story and her story are not the same at all….or is it?

Well for starters, I have only been married once. So if there are any questions along those lines I just took care of them. When the woman went to the well that day, she had no idea she was going to encounter the one who knew all of her deep dark secrets, or not-so secrets/. She had a reputation.

When I woke up a month ago with my mind racing with all sorts of scary emotions I had no idea that deep in my heart Jesus was going to say “ok today is the day Mary, let’s put it all on the table”

The Woman at the well became a point of fascination a few months ago. I couldn’t tell you why at the time. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I don’t know why I was reading about her, I don’t even know when it was. I just knew I was drawn to her. I have snippets of notes that really at this point mean nothing to me. I just know that I connected with her on a whole new level.

And if you have been around here for very long you know when that happens a Coffee With Friends Post is born.

And here we are….

I want to give her a name because the Saratan woman or the Woman at the well doesn’t seem personal enough for a Coffee with Friends post. So I am going to call her…Sophia. (Please know that this isn’t her real name. It’s just for the sake of this post.).

Jesus went to that well to meet Sophia, and Sophia went to the well to get water. She went there in the warmest part of the day to ensure she wouldn’t hear the whispers and see the glares and feel like she was being judged. Jesus knew that because Jesus KNEW Sophia. He knew everything about her! He especially knew what she needed and it wasn’t the water from Jacob’s well. He knew she needed him and what he had to offer- living water that becomes a fresh bubbling spring that will give them eternal life (verse 14)

Now, go get your husband… GULP.

Oh to not be in her shoes, UH I don’t have a husband. GULP.

Jesus said yep you are right, you have had five husbands and the dude you are with now isn’t your husband DOUBLE GULP!

AND SHE STAYED

Goodness friends if I were her I would have been gone. A dude I have never met is telling me all about my life. It freaked me out bad enough when my pastor said a few things about me that I had never put together. (I did some gulping of my own!!!) And here she is just being present

AND Then she changes the subject….common we have all been there done that. We don’t want to deal with the pain we have in our hearts. Whether it’s sin, grief, abuse, broken relationships, YOU NAME IT WE WILL AVOID IT…like the PLAGUE. We don’t like to be uncomfortable.

The funny thing is Jesus humored her. He didn’t go back. to her sin. He answered her questions and in the end, reveals he is the Messiah.

The disciples come back and Sophia rushes off to tell everyone she knows about Jesus. and how he has told her ALL she has EVER done!

She uses her testimony with Jesus and many f the villagers run to meet him and believe in him in the process.

Her willingness to stay present with Jesus led to her life being changed. She could have stayed busy and filled her jug and been on with her daily chores.

WOW!

How this relates to me

Well like the woman at the well I too have broken places. Places in my heart that I have neatly placed the “dealt with pile” and I closed and locked the door. They were considered off-limits to even me. The problem is I still knew they were there. So I began to distract myself from them. My number one choice of distraction…PEOPLE. I can care for people. I am a pretty good listener, unless I have b]my earbuds in and then well everyone wonders why I’m not paying attention. (I put them in when I am “in the zone”.). I never really set boundaries. It was always easier to help people with their hurt and pain because it distracted me from my own.

But then all of a sudden there were no people. I was sick. Then we left our church and there were even fewer people. I was broken in so many ways. I was strong for hubby, the kids, and for anybody else who came to me. And I began to hide behind my phone. I knew I was distracted but I didn’t know why.

That morning I woke up I was face to face with Jesus- I had removed the phone issue. Within a week’s time, I was face to face with that closet full of broken places. Broken relationships, painful memories, wrong choices, failures, hurt I sustained at the hands of others and what those things had done to me. The reality is I hadn’t dealt with them. Yes, I had forgiven those involved. No, I wasn’t harboring anger towards anyone, BUT those things had created walls. Walls for people who weren’t even involved. They were walls of fear, and anxiety and had tainted how I saw myself. Some of that is still so startling to think about

Pefectionism creot in

See I was SOOOOO afraid of being in trouble that I tried to make sure everything was just right. I checked off this list of how to love people (ahem that would be 1 Corinthians 13). This is a whole other blog post in and of itself. But I had a mental checklist of bible passages.

BUT sometimes even when you love someone with the whole list they don’t do the same for you- it’s one-sided and you kinda just start believing you aren’t worth it. That it really doesn’t apply to you. Boy, I had no idea that was the path I was on and it shook me to the core. I was afraid of everybody. Even my poor hubby – I didn’t know it. We have been the best of friends for over 20 years (wow that makes me sound old).

I knew I could trust someone….my dog Rosie. for 9 years she laid at my feet in my craft room/ office. She sat next to me on the couch and would listen to me talk myself through whatever struggle was going on. She never talked back, she never ignored me, she didn’t judge, or roll her eyes.

She saw me cry and didn’t say, Get over it. I chuckle as I write that. She was my best non-human friend. She kept every secret. She would even smile. But then this week I had to say goodbye. To say it was difficult is a gross understatement. But as I processed this on Monday I realized something. I need to be more active in the just being department.

To let myself feel and think and process. I don’t do that well. I always have stuff to be done. Keeping busy is what I am good at. so I made a choice.

I actively chose to BE.

Now I was still doing something, but it was different. I hadn’t picked up my art supplies to use since the end of October minus a coloring book. Not the same thing for me. I finished inktober and moved on with the holidays. Because when I slowed down and stopped the mental “doing” my mind drifted to places I didn’t like it to drift.

I knew that we would be spending the day at church on Tuesday. I started thinking about all the things I needed to do and I stopped myself and said No Mary tomorrow you are just going to be still. I picked a room that was away from everything else with comfy chairs. I popped my earbuds in with our family playlist of worship music, some peppy some not so peppy and I let those words flow through me and out my brush.

Here’s what happened

I started out with an idea for my April bullet journal page

And from there I redid an inktober pen sketch from 2020. It was just a fast sketch I did originally,, but I wanted to do a better job on it this go around.

The next three are just simple little expressions. It’s not ever about doing fancy art. Sometimes it’s just about taking the time to use a passion God has given you. It’s not about being very good. It’s not about impressing other people It’s about just simply being and taking part in the process, thinking, praying, and worshipping. For each person that’s going to look a little different.

When we choose to let Jesus in to work on our heart stuff, (and yes it is our choice) he doesn’t promise it will get easier- but what he will do is transform it into something beautiful. It won’t be according to how I think it should be used, or not used, but rather what will bring him the most honor and glory. I just love how Jesus redeemed Sophia’s story. He didn’t publically humiliate her. He met her where she was at. She chose to stay and listen and in the end ran to the very people she was trying to avoid in the first place to share about Jesus. I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than that!

So will you join me on my journey of giving God my broken places?

You can check out the other coffee with friends posts here

Boundaries and Schedule Changes

Posted on by Mary
Boundaries

Hello Friends! I hope you are having a great week! Today we are going to have a conversation about some changes that are taking place in my life and that we be directly affecting the blog here. I have, over the last couple of weeks, been implementing some boundaries for myself. And even though I am not quite ready to share the not so immediate effects of those boundaries I am ready to share how and why the blog has changed and will continue to do so over the next few months.

Back Story

It’s no secret around here that a little over a year ago I had some major health struggles. Struggles that found me in and out of the hospital 4 times in the month of December in 2020. It found me having a procedure to kill off a tumor that caused damage to internal organs which then resulted in me needing heavy narcotics because when something is dying inside of you it is excruciating and then finally my body (much to the doctors and hospital staff’s surprise ) expelling the tumor on it’s own. And finally waiting the longest week of my life to find out if said tumor was cancer or not. (Praise the Lord it wasn’t).

It was a wild ride BUT a spiral happened that NO one could see. Not even me. See my health issues didn’t end there. There were still major repercussion from Decembers adventures.

Low iron levels related to the amount of blood loss was a huge problem. they were so low they were undetectable. They couldn’t find iron in my system. I ate everything I could get my hands on that was rich in iron (except liver).Have you ever had molasses in your coffee? Yeah don’t! I was desperate BUT my body couldn’t absorb it. I was taking 3 iron pills a day with little to no help. I was living in a constant state of panic attack due to iron levels. It was BAD and to help cope and distract myself I got lost on my phone.

The Reality

As much as I use my phone for helpful useful things I found myself living in a constantly distracted state. When I was stressed I reached for my phone. I chose to get lost in it. Finally in August Hubby advocated for me at the hematologists office for iron infusions. I would sleep all the time. I could barely move without being completely wiped out. The doctor wanted to wait until I had all of my GI tests done but Hubby asked why I couldn’t have them before and boy was I grateful that he did. They said I wouldn’t see a difference right away.They were wrong. It was a two infusion series. The first one I sat though a complete conference day right after. Which is saying a lot because I could barely move at times. Having little to no iron creates a painful state of existence, So between the hurting body, the racing heart and extreme fatigue I wasn’t sure how a conference would work. A few days later I had the second dose and OH BOY I was like a new human being. It just keep getting better.

BUT…..

As I looked back at my prayer journals I began to see a pattern emerging. I was praying every single day that God would help me to not be so distracted. ALL of the time. We had gone through a major life change in the process where hubby left his ministry position he had been at for 12 years. We had no idea where God was leading us next we just knew we were supposed to leave. We picked a church an hour away from home for various reasons.

For nearly 7 months I prayed and prayed and prayed for distractions to leave. And day after day after day I chose to get lost in my phone.

That is until this February when I picked up the book hubby got for me at Christmas called The Life Giving Home written by Sally and Sarah Clarkson. I read Sarah’s chapter on distractions. Which was her phone…ACK! Now this is NOT the first time the topic of “phones” has come up. Phone usage has been in NUMEROUS sermons at our new church. And yet I could dismiss them as “BUT I am a blogger I need to be tied to my phone”. The reality is though my phone usage had very little to do with my blog. It had everything to do with serving as a distraction from my blog and everything else under the sun. It wasn’t until the word DISTRACTION was right in front of my face AND I had COVID that forced me to come to understand the reality of my situation. So that day I sent some Boundaries .

The Boundaries

The very first thing I did was delete Instagram and Facebook from my phone. I still need to use them for my blog. So getting rid of them completely wasn’t an option.

the second thing I did was set a time frame for when I could use social media on my laptop. And that’s from 4-8 pm. It allows me enough time to make posts and then comment back on them if need be. And when the comments are made and I don’t see them right away GUESS WHAT…They are still there the next day…..NO JOKE!

Is it a perfect system NOPE. have I followed it strictly NOPE. BUT life has changed in so many ways…like… I have read double the books I read last month. No it’s not a new distraction.

I have changed immensely…I have a new schedule in place that has been working amazingly.

It Came with an Unforeseen Consequence

We teach our children that there are positive and negative consequences that come with our life choices. You will often hear hubby and I and even our children say Make better life choices.

Well when I chose to set this boundary it became very obvious within just a weeks time that the phone was distracting me from far more than just daily tasks. I hadn’t healed from some major life stuff and all of that in one morning came spilling out. At first I thought it had been a TERRIBLE life choice BUT now I can see how much I have changed in just over a week. THAT is a blog series for a different time.

For now though I have a clarity of mind that I haven’t had in ……ever.

Quite frankly it’s been amazing. I will say though it’s because I have been willing (although reluctant at times ) to do the hard work. I have written nearly 100 pages in my journal..

Letting Go of Mental Chess

I like to play games. All sorts of games (I love WORDLE). I had become a master at mental chess and I didn’t even realize it. Here how mental chess goes “I can’t do x, because if I do X, then person, A Will do Y”.

I had a rather lengthy conversation with our pastor about this, He’s the one who called it mental chess and then he told me. ” You’ll never win. ”

Later this week I looked at my ever growing list of blog post Ideas and there is a set of “green” posts. They are a different color because I felt they were unpublishable so I had determined to journal them…..because if I posted them XYZ might happen. I said out loud as I read them off MENTAL CHESS.

Now does it mean I will post them tomorrow…NO. I won’t. They are going to take some time to write because they are hard perhaps even RAW. There will be a lot more of that around here because I’m letting go of that mental chess I have become so accustomed to playing. I don’t want to waste my mental capabilities on a game I am NOT going to win. Why would I want to use mental headspace for such nonsense I like to win.

Schedule Changes

So as it stands I had already made the change for Sunday afternoons being blogging time. That’s going to stay the same it just works. IF I get to go into church on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and/orFridays with Hubby (until we move ) I intend to use that time for blogging time. But for now I am able to use Sundays to complete blogging work for the week on Sundays.

  • Mondays will be the normal Happy Homemaker Monday posts. Mondays are also going to be blog work. I have Monday afternoons and evenings to myself- Thanks hubby for that blessing for this introverted homeschooling mom with 3 extroverted children.
  • Tuesdays are family nights here so no posts will go live
  • Wednesdays and Fridays are flex days so If I can get more than Mondays and Thursdays blog posts done they will be scheduled on Wednesdays or Fridays
  • Thursdays are our Thankfulness days – this is the Gratitude in the Middle posts.

Mondays and Thursdays are the MUSTS. All else is icing on the cake.

Next week I hope to have a very special treat. I want to introduce you to two women who have been supporting me through all of this stuff and really lifted my hands (a Moses reference) as I blogged through that Choosing Courage 100 day blogging project last fall. It’s just another step in letting go of the mental chess because I was worried about what other people might think when I shared WHO they are and the role they are playing!

These two women have never met each other and when I said I need to have coffee with the two of you they made it happen. No questions asked. This is why these two women are on my prayer team for this ministry and whatever lies ahead.

Thank you so much for being here and reading and living life right along side of me. I know this has been a much longer post than normal and I appreciate you sticking through to the end.

Are you ready to join me on this Journey?

When You Lose Yourself

Posted on by Mary
Lose

It’s easy to Lose things….Keys….wallet…….sanity. But you might be thinking Mary I always know where I am! As a kid it was a favorite thing for my family to pile into the car on a sunny Sunday afternoon in hopes to get “lost” in our own community. We lived in rural Pennsylvania where once upon a time cows outnumbered people and backroads were a plenty. We even had “special roads” that were only open during the spring, summer and fall. sometimes only summer depending on the weather.

We would always find some new and exciting road that led us to somewhere we already knew BUT it might be a little terrifying in the process. We knew of some hidden roads too. Roads that you only saw when you were on top of them.

It was fun to go on these adventures. There was an adventure to this sad old church. It hadn’t seen a congregation in decades. The cemetary itself was of the thin headstones from long ago. the plots of ground were sunken in where the wooden boxes had deteriorated and turned into mulch. It seemed as though my ad had no idea where he was going at first ut we quickly realized this was a purposeful trip. My dad wanted us to see something specific.

But Let’s Be Honest with Ourselves

As much fun as it is to get “LOST” like that as a kid- getting Lost is a horrible feeling. It’s one thing that both my brothers and I learned about in scouts. it’s a three fold process- 1). How not to get lost and 2). How to stay alive if you get lost. and 3). how to get unlost (yep I just coined that word).

Getting Lost without being LOST

Sometimes we can get lost without physically being lost. This means losing sight of our purpose which is 2 parts, 1) Loving God with all of our Heart Soul, mind and Strength andStrength and 2) Loving Your Neighbor as Yourself (Luke 10:27) I see Christians do this all the time. They compromise their beliefs for a moment of…..you can fill in the blanks. Before long they loose themselves and they start buying a lie that this is now who they are or that they can’t ever get back or that God couldn’t possibly love or forgive them. They also believe that they have to get back on their own (also a lie).

But It’s not just limited to our own personal Choices

The root of this problem are the lies we choose to believe. This is also the case when we may not have made the choices but the choices were made for us. Abuse, illness, an accident, some form of trauma, losing someone close to you, financial problems, mental illness and the list can go on and on and on. We might Geel like this is just how it’s going to be. We lose sight in Who God really is. We can take on the Victim mentality or feel like we are unlovable, unworthy, a failure…You get the picture.

Losing myself

Part of the enemies plan is to distract people from what they are called to do. When we take our eyes off of that we start believing lies. Lies that destroy so much. The enemy wants to keep us from our purpose.

Ever since I was a little girl I could be found writing all sorts of things. Long before Kindergarten I knew my letters. I have a very young memory of my mom in the bathroom getting ready for the day and I was sitting outside the closed door saying “mommy how do you spell……Mom………and my mom would patiently spell out the word. I would write it down. and then I would move on to the next word. I also remember as a middle school student learning that my cousin had this paper to write and I wanted so desperately to have a paper to write too. In high school I found a whole new love that I knew nothing about. Creative writing. I would get lost in my English papers. My favorite was in 9th grade. I had to write to a historical figure and tell them about some modern technology without using words that they couldn’t understand. The possibilities were endless andI was giddy with all the ideas rolling through my head. Clearly I had a bent for writing it was my happy place (it still is). It’s just part of who God created me to be.

The journey Continues

In College is when I hit a wall and gained understanding of who I was. Technical papers were the death of me. I was so frustrated. Now I know that some of those papers I could have changed a bit and gave them more of a creative twist (Kinda like that tabernacle drawing and our Old Testament timelines -I know Dr. S. “Charles Shultz had nothing to worry about”) Let’s just say the prof was less than impressed with our sheep angels complete with wings hovering over the altar- actually I’m pretty sure he enjoyed them.

It was during this time that I learned hat I need to write to clear my brain and that release wasn’t found in papers for class. Creative writing was a release for me The first two years f college I had lost myself actually I had been lost for a while but it became glaringly obvious. It was because I had bought into two lies.

The Two Major Lies

First was this lie that I needed to fit someone else mold SO I became a social butterfly. Yes I had friends in high school but it was different. It was the type of peer group I was in. What did they expect of me? I loved my peer group in College. They were great friends and I am still friends with many of them today. I became a master morpher- all things to all people. I slept a lot. I suffered from horrible headaches. It was just BAD. It was the first time I could explore the many possibilities of ministries too and I threw myself into everything. I tried to do it all and everything came crashing down. I was exhausted. I had no idea who I really was. I just knew that what I was being told is to be successful you had to be outgoing….do lots of things…..be good at lots of things…be around lots of people…..be this…be that……fake it until you make it. Now this wasn’t necessarily the school that said this. Tor my friends. But one group you said this is the ideal and another said that is is ideal and before long You don’t know what to think and you have the extremely unattainable checklist.

Secondly there’s that whole boyfriend thing- which is basically the something as above. And when those voices start in and you let them have control you get distracted from your purpose. And it’s easy to fall in love with idea of being in love.

The Influences I let have my ear were the problem

Between these two things I lost the sense of who I really was- I settled for what everyone else told me to do. Now I am not going to sit here and pretend that I knew who I was or what I was called to do going into college . I mean I thought I did , but I didn’t. I knew I was called into full time ministry and I knew I was supposed to go to the school I was at- and that my friends is all I knew about myself going into college. I had no real talents to speak of .

Understanding my true identity

I think one of the things lacking within the church at least where I was as a teen was fully understanding my identity in Christ and I saw the same thing in other people at college. Matter of fact it wasn’t something really taught at Bible College either. I think it’s the case of everyone thinking everyone else is teaching it. It can be talked about all day long but it needs to be taught. And what we end up with is the Devotions dilemma all over again. We use terminology without explaining what it means. So hundreds of kids hear about the concept of “doing devotions” but in the end have No idea what that looks like. And we can all sit at snow camp hearing about our “identity in Christ and how we should be rooted in that” but until we are actually taught what exactly that is – we go through life grasping at straws. And the two of those problems put together is recipe for disaster.

Finding myself

In college I firmly believed that my identity was in my serving NOT the act of serving but the actual specific ministry I served in. I didn’t know then -that this too was a lie because ministries come and go. I know that we are created to serve God and make him famous. But man when I had to leave that first ministry that I had grown to love so much I was devastated. Then I jumped into a bunch of different ministries that were NOT what I was called to do and I struggled. It’s like a rebound relationship really. (This is repeated later on in ministry on a much bigger scale.)

Practice

There have been times over the last 20 years that I haven’t struggled with knowing who I was. I was actively practicing the truths I had learned. It wasn’t easy but what I would later find out is this time was was a preparation for something that nearly killed us as a family. But because I had been applying those truths I was better equipped to trust God. I couldn’t trust anyone else. And as Much as hubby and I were on the same team it shook and tested our team. We too had to trust each other on a whole new level.

A Book that Changed Everything

A number of years later I read a quote that has stuck with me. It was by Renee Swope in her Book A Confident Heart. The quote at the beginning of the book basically says that when you go through something traumatic or a big change we need to take the time to pause and really strive to gain a new understanding of how this has Changed us and who we have now become. This was exactly what my damaged and hurting heart needed to hear. Because I had endured something horrific and horribly damaging and now had no idea how I fit into things: my ministry, my parenting,, society in general. So as I read her book something deep within my soul began to shift like never before and I gained this new thing called God-fidence.

I know that some of my friends think that I coined this term but I didn’t. It’s basically taking my eyes off myself and my own strength and knowing that God ihas got this and that he’s going to use this for his powerful purpose. Ad that meant that I had to be willing to use this horrible thing for his glory. When I did that God opened a whole new ministry- actually two. And I stepped through those doors and things began to happen.

Then the Enemy Stepped In. (AGAIN)

Whenever you take big steps in faith the enemy takes notice. And when he did, he used my biggest weakness…PEOPLE PLEASING. During this time I had stepped out in faith and done some things that were bigger than any ting I had ever done before The first one was something I have always loved to do- public speaking. Yep I am weird like that. God was preparing me to step out in His confidence NOT my own…I did and what ensued was me losing myself to the negativity. The second was being a part of a large conference (as in on the planning team) and the third was to work at a Crisis pregnancy center)

A Misplaced Trust

I had been pushed by people for a number of years to do speak and I was no way ready but through my study of confidence and then influence I knew it was time. I also had been convicted that I needed to speak truth when leading and I became unpopular very quickly. I struggled with this because I was told I needed to be more bold and then when I was it back fired. It’s amazing how quickly people can turn on you. And I let myself be silenced and I began the process all over again. I had to look deep within myself and ask the hard questions. I felt like a complete and utter failure. This was quite the process this go around and it came down to 3 things.

The three things that really changed my perspective

  • First I had to be in God’s Word- and not just for knowledge. had to be reading and searching for understanding- that which changes my heart- not just swells my brain.
  • Second I needed toast my friends to critique what I was writing and saying. Because I was blamed for being a certain way I had to allow people into my life who would keep me accountable for what I was saying. Even now as I write this I know there are two women and my husband who are going to read this and be honest with m. if Ive gone too far or if I’ve come across in an ungodly way. Considering all that had happened this was extremely hard because I had some misplaced trust before.
  • Third- after I had done the hard work of one and two I had a choice to make- Change the way I looked at y writing. I mean I kinda had this perspective before but It HAD to become more solidified if I was going to continue to write- I had to set aside the critics and not let them have power over me……and in that I have to ask myself two questions
    • Why am I writing this?
    • Does this fit into my purpose? (Hebrews 10:24)

And here we are Day 45

I once read that raising kids is a cycle. You keep teaching them the same lessons over and over again but in new and deepening lessons. Isn’t that the truth but the same is true in our lives. We just keep learning the same lessons over and over again in new and deepening lessons. It gets harder and so we need to keep practicing that God-fidence.

We all lose ourselves from time to time. We all go through stuff and it’s painful. In November We are going to dive into “Our Identity In Christ.” I have a mini-series of posts already in place. It is born out of years of learning this. I have definitely not arrived in any way on this Journey. I hit some major moments where this has been a mile marker in my life but each and everyday there is a need to practice practice practice. I am still working through many aspects of this journey. I know there are plenty of people who will tell you (and me ) they have arrived BUT that is a lie.
And as a friend so aptly put it this morning….we are truly never alone. God is always with us…He will never leave us or forsake us! It’s important for us to remind ourselves of the truths we know ….hmmm didn’t I JUST write a post about that!

A Spark of Joy

One of my favorite things is when talking with an elderly person and they share what new thing they have recently learned about God! It shows me that they are being authentic. They are willing to be honest that they haven’t arrived yet. And that is the greatest testimony of all!!

How about you? Did you ever “lose” Yourself? What changed?

Thank you so much for Joining me on Day 45 of Choosing Courage- My 100 Day writing project! You Can check out the previous posts here.