What are you carrying?

Posted on by Mary

When I was a freshman in college I attended one of the larger churches in our area. I was super excited about being a part of this church’s drama team. For weeks every Wednesday night I sat in their auditorium watching the drama team practice various sketches. I never got to be a part of the drama team because I wasn’t a church member but those weeks weren’t wasted. I sat and learned and soaked in all the drama-y things I could. However, one night the sketch hit hard. It was of a person lugging around all this very heavy baggage. Stuff they were never meant to carry. Suffering, pain, loss. You get the idea. It struck a cord. I was carrying around a bunch of stuff. But I wasn’t about to give it up. Not yet anyway.

I haven’t thought about that sketch in YEARS. I have handed over all the baggage I was hauling around at 19. Every once in a while I will pick up a bag and sling it on my back and God as always gently takes it from me and I keep following him.

This last week however I haven’t been able to get this sketch off my mind. And it’s not because I heaved a bunch of baggage up from the past and claimed it as my own again. Nope. Instead I had this eye opening experience.

Two weeks ago I had surgery to remove a massive tumor from my stomach. Praise the Lotd it wasn’t cancer. BUT that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t something dangerous. I was carrying around a tumor that as I put in my last blog post was literally remodeling my insides. It was damaging me from the inside and it was making me sick. It affected my bladder, both intestines and bowel amongst other things. It required removal of nonessential organs and when I had a follow up appointment this week the doctor told me the size. It weighed 8 times its normal weight. EIGHT TIMES. (That’s including the tumor). I did some quick calculator math. It turns out that’s only 1.2 ish pounds. And my immediate thought was, “oh that’s not too bad at all.” And in the recess of my mind God whispered, it is if it’s not supposed to be there. So back to my calculator I went. .16 pounds is how much that organ is supposed to weigh.

It’s no wonder that grapefruit sized tumor was wreaking havoc on my system. My body was NEVER meant to carry around that.

Just like we were never meant to carry around the hurt, pain, resentment, stress and abuse of a lifetime. And yet we do. We shove it in the proverbial backpack of life and lug it around with us everywhere we go. We become a pack mule carrying all the crud we’ve decided we can’t live without.

The problem is we cannot carry all that around with us because if we do it’s robs us of our Joy peace and love. It will either keep us from having relationships with those around us OR it will destroy the relationships we already have. So what are we to do? Let Jesus do surgery. It’s not easy or pleasant. And we will come out with some scars. I would have had serious medical issues if I would have fought the Doctor and said no this is my tumor. I must carry my tumor. It’s my responsibility. That’s just silly.

That tumor would have caused kidney failure or disease or any other number of issues. This is my second time with this type of tumor and the last time it depleted my iron levels in my blood to “undetectable” and the doctors all wondered how I hadn’t had a heart attack- I was 40.

Well it’s just as silly to say to Jesus “sorry In going to carry these heavy burdens by myself. “. When you release those burdens to him you become a new person because you have space for the love, peace and joy that had been crowded out by fear, anxiety and resentment.

The doctor told me this week that “we really beat you up on the inside”. That was startling to hear because I don’t feel like I was beaten up. I actually have relief. The horrific pain I had is over. Let God take that pain from you…no matter what it is and Follow Peter’s instruction,

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭7‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/1pe.5.7.NLT

So surrender whatever those bags are that are on your back or weighing down your arms. Resist the temptation to root through them picking out the worst of the hurts. Just hand over the whole thing.

Doing that isn’t easy. If you’ve been around here for a while you know there have been some real struggles. Some so heavy that the journey went through Federal Court. We didn’t surrender those burdens alone. It took counseling, some amazing friends and pastors and intense conversations with God. Whether your body or your heart needs surgery it’s going to take time to heal! Give yourself grace and ask for help!! Be real with where you’re at!

Finding the Funny in the Not so Funny:Thankful Thursday.

Posted on by Mary

I mentioned in my last blog post that I needed to have surgery. Well it’s six days out from that.

I have a very large non-cancerous tumor slowly trying to remodel my insides.

Some days I have no pain. Other days I have pain that rivals child birth. Your insides were not meant to be remodeled. God put them right where they needed to be.

A Miserable Day Turned Funny

Today was a Pain day. I have gone 3 days with little to no pain. Then I wake up this morning BAM. No warning. Today also happens to be pre-op appointment day. So off to the city in the North. Just constant waves of pain. You don’t need the rest of the details. Needless to say it was miserable.

Until….

I took a new med. New meds make me nervous. I once had to take a muscle relaxer…..1 pill knocked me out for 3 days. There’s a reason why I only take 1/2 a Benadryl. And why Prednisone is on my no-no list with all the Drs offices.

I can have strong med reactions.

I liken Prednisone to a real life stupid pill for me. I cannot function at all. Not even to make coffee!

So I’m hesitant.

There’s a reason they tell you to start at bedtime!

Well I was in so much pain by the time I got back to church that I was desperate. I couldn’t sit, stand, or lay down to get relief. So I broke down and took the pill and waited for the promised “knock out”. FYI it never came.

Instead what I got was the fuzzy brain feeling, then this general all over numb feeling. Then the brain disconnected from the thumbs and eyeballs. I couldn’t string thoughts together to type a text message. I couldn’t read the book I’ve been working on- took me thirty minutes to read 4 paragraphs. Pretty sure I’m going to have to go back and read those 4 paragraphs again.

Ron asked me what I wanted for dinner (via text). I told him what I wanted…dozed off .. told him NEVERMIND …dozed off again….told him something completely different ….dozed off again.

Needless to say we managed to get dinner figured out. I scrolled and dropped my phone on my face at least twice while I waited.

I am fed and my stomach is MOSTLY happy.

When I went to the kitchen I kept tripping over my own two feet and I dropped two bottles out of the fridge. It felt like some comedic actor pretending they had too much to drink.

So where does the thankful come in?

I look back at today and I can say Thank you Jesus I don’t have any pain right now. This is the most pain free I’ve been in ages.

I can be thankful that I could eat something. And I can be thankful that I have a sense of humor. That I can look at today and say wow that was ENTERTAINING.

When I got back to church I was frustrated with the whole situation. I prayed about it . I thanked God for so many things (this was after I took the med-it will be an interesting read later). Ann Voskamp calls it the Hard Eucharisteo! Choosing to be thankful even in the hardest of circumstances. In her book One Thousand gifts she talks about her son’s hand getting caught in the farm exhaust fan. My stomach tightens as I remember her description of the event.

I can be thankful over the next 6 days and in the recovery time for silly things like not being able to type a message or tripping over air . I can be thankful for a med that helps with pain. I can be thankful for friends.

Sometimes we get wrapped up IN all the gunk we are experiencing that we forget just how kind God is. Tar-Leigh Cobble talked about this a while ago in the Bible ReCap- she brought up from the psalms that God is kind. And how as believers we don’t really ever talk about Gods kindness. I firmly believe that humor is one of the many ways God is kind to us.

So take a long look at your hard day….what was funny? What made you giggle?

I already shared mine…but here’s another from our trip north. We passed a store named Dazed….they sell cannabis. You’re welcome.

Thank God for the giggles he brought your way.

I think Tara had it right. She has wrecked my brain and my heart about us not talking about Gods kindness. So I’m going to do something about it. I’m going to bring attention to it.

How has God been kind to you!? Tell me in the comments!

Summer

Posted on by Mary

Hey friends I don’t know about you but it’s been an absolute whirlwind around here!

We just had our second kiddo graduate in two years on Saturday. Life is moving at the speed of light. This Saturday we will celebrate her and her accomplishments at her grad party. And then in 8 days I will have surgery. Pretty major and complicated surgery at that. And my summer will come to a screeching halt while most of my families summer will include some MAJOR adventures.

One of the goals I set back a few months ago was to really pour into the writing over the summer BUT that was before I found out that I was going to have EXCESSIVE time on my hands.

So when I found out life was going to get interesting a few weeks ago I really began to pray about what writing might look like over the summer.

So here’s what I’ve got:

  • Mondays – Youth Ministry Minute. I have been writing these on and off over the last number of months to our youth leaders so why not publish them here too!!
  • Wednesdays: A few years ago I participated in a weekly posting called Word-Filled Wednesday. Well that no longer exists to my knowledge so I’m gonna create my own. I’m calling it Walking in the Word Wednesday (fits nicely with the blog title)!
  • And finally I’m going to bring back Thankful Thursday. But I’m not just going to list things I’m thankful for. We might still do some of that but we are also going to talk about how to be thankful, Living with Gratitude in the middle of not so great circumstances and so on.
  • And then finally whatever else fun I want to throw in here and there.

I hope you join me on this summer time journey!

Blessings,Mary

The Climb

Posted on by Mary

(This blog post was originally written in September of 2024, but never got published now is the time. For further information on what this post is about check out this post here)

I have been going around and around and around about what this crazy blog post should be called We have just passed a year since our day in Federal Court and the week leading up to said day in court hubby and I experoienced a mountain climb like no other.

Injured.

The prvious two years I had severly injured both of my ankles. In 2022 it was my left ankle We were pretty sure that I had broken it or some part of my foot due to the black streak across the top of my foot that lingered for months . In June of 2023 I had a serious mishap with a wet hose in the pouring rain as I ran to cover some very delicate seedlings. Needless to say the seedlings never got covered and I ended up on a chair with a very swollen ankle, knee and sore hip. Did I mention it was the same one. I couldn’t bend it very well again. Crutches, a brace and a long healing time.

Over my lifetime I have become accustomed to falls. It really is the life of a person with a visual impairment as my depth perception is lacking. Ron will often alert me to steps or uneven ground.

Just before I fell last year my two dear friends Steph and Beth had been asking me about our “case”. We had never heard the outsome as Ron’s phone was stolen. and that was the only way the US attorney could contact us. Honestly we just wanted to let it go and forget about it but these two friends…..so I googled like all good techie girls do….It wasn’t my first rodeo in this search.

But this time I landed on a different site. All the others had been the same, no info 2-3 years old right from the time he was arrested. USELSS was about the best word to descibe the websearch, but then…..a new link still a few years old but this one had the phone number OF THE ATTORNEYS OFFUICE.

I turned off my phoe.

I sat there staring at it. A voice echoing in my head….CALL. Call now.

I picked up my phone and tapped the number.

it was staring me in the face….CALL

I clicked call

RING RING RING

hello?

The rest os kinda a blur …I said who I was and how I was related to the case. All I wanted to know was, What happemed?

He was arrested in 2021, surely he must be tried and sentenced by now. Nope. He plead out. Sentencing would be in a few months. Wow. Just wow. Let’s just say the real court system does NOT operate on the same time allotment as Law and Order!

The sweet lady on the end of the phone told me that if the Attorney needed us (WAIT WHAT?) she would let us know by the end of the following week. The following week came and went and so did two more weeks. Then one day when I was at church My phone rang. Hi is the Mrs_______This is Assisstant US ATTORNEY________ Can we talk?

The next 30-45 minutes was full of lots of information I never EVER wanted to know about the case. Sentencing was scheduled for the end of August. It was likely to be rescheduled. Would you and Mr _________ be willing to testify in the sentencing or write victim impact statements. OH and would you consider letting your kids testify???

By this point I was Shaking by the overload of all that I had just heard and learned. Let alone being asked if I would be willing for my children come face to face with their abuser. For the first time time in 9 years. Everything within my body screamed “heck no.”

We were warned that sentencing might be changed from August to a later date. And even more so.

Sentencing was rescheduled for the end of September. Life was a whirlwind of crazy emotions. Not just for Ron and I but for all of our kids as well. In the middle of the wait my ankle was getting better but I had no flexibility in it and I was wearing a brace 24/7.

We had agreed to go on vacation with Steph and her family in early September which was a very welcomed distraction to say the leaset, all the while the US Attourney kept saying ” we aren’t sure if we need the kids yet”

The week before sentencing Ron and I spent almost every waking hour talking about and writing 4 victim impact statements that would be turned into the judge. I emailed mine first. Then the two kids. One week before the sentencing we said goodbye to our kiddos and headed off to a pastot’s and wives Retreat. I can hnestly say we were highly distracted and other than mealtimes we didnt spend much time with others. What we did do was we spent a whole lot of time hiking. We hiked and talked bum ankle and knee included. We hiked every trail but one. The one with the scenic outlook. With each passing day and the trails I was gaining some flexibility back in said ankle. Finally the last day Ron Looked at me and said ” Mary you wanna try it”. I reluctanty said yes.

Just like he did on every other hike Ron would say, Step here, hold onto my shoulder, hold my hand I will guide you.”

God does that right? He wants us to lean on him and trust his movement in our lives. Leaning on him, holing our hands, guiding us. In these monents over the last 9 years we have had no choice but to lean on God, let him direct us because blazing new trails is not an option.

We started off kinda rough. The camp hadnt taken down the signs for the old yellow trail so we were misguided for a bit.

So many people had good intentions over the last 10 years trying to sooth our wounds. “don’t worry te kids will forget”. Don’t buy that lie, they don’t and they won’t ever firget. there were lots of other misdirected advice as well.

We got turned back around, headed in the right direction….and then I came face to face with something I find terrifying…A LADDER. Im not afraid to say it, Im deathly afraid of heights, and Im ok with that. So now what? This thing was terrifying…..NOTHING was holding me back from this. Ron offered multiple times to turn around. BUT I’m stubborn, he knows this. So slowly (without looking down) climbed that crazy ladder.

the trail smoothed out after this. we left the stony rocky terraine of Pennsylvania Creek beds and boulder fields for a steeper climb. THIS WAS HARD. I kept telling Ron this really does signify the last nine yers. For parts of this trail he had his hand on my back pushing me albeit gently forward. We have taken that role on for each other over the years. Supporting each other through all the hard climbs we’ve faced.

As you climb mountains, the higher you get, the thinner the trees get. It was a beautiful fall day and as we climbed we were getting closer and closer to the top, just a few more feet Ron would tell me. Just a few more feet. I stopped to catch my breath. There were a group of teens ahead enjoying the overlook. The top was just steps away….my phone rang. We were 5 days till sentencing and this was the Atttorneys office.

Hi Mrs_____ this is so and so (the advocate we were working with. ) __________ wanted me to call and tell you that the kids won’t need to testify in sentencing. Matter of fact they don’t even need to come that day. Your victim impact statemnts to the judge were enough. The tears flowed freely. I dont even remember saying goodbye to the advocate. The teens passed by and I didn’t care.

A few steps further and we stepped into the overlook break in the trees. We could see everything. The whole camp. We had the whole picture. Answered prayers. A willingness to “do the next right thing” whatever that looked like. Was it easy? NOT A CHANCE. We had endured that 9 year climb. WE never stopped doing the next right thing. Making Jesus our center focus. teaching each one of our kids what forgiveness and grace looks llike. Were there times I wanted to quit on that hike. 100%. BUT i kept taking that next step forward. We enjoyed the moment. Praising God for walking with us on this journey and for caring for our family. For providig the friends who would journey with us to court the next week.

But that moment lasted but a brief moment. because what came next was we had to go back the way we came or do we head down the other side? Hmmmm. Down the otherside of course. We needed to go full circle right? At least thats how my brain worked? The catch….ITS STEEEEEEP. And my ankle doesn’t bend easily that way, but we did it anyway.

My hands firmly placed on Ron’s shoulders each step of the way. I leaned on him. He told me with each step where to place my feet. If I didn’t quite listen or get it right my ankle would tweak and I would grimmace in pain. Ron’s shoulders hurt for days afterwards.

What a picture of love and care and sacrifice Ron had for me. I really believe that he modeled Jesus’ love for us in those moments.. AT one point he even offered to carry me to which a loudly declined. ….something about not wanting to fall down the mountain… ( thats a story for another blog post). One more analogy for you though. Coming down the other side of the mountain…..in the weeks following the sentencing our kids struggled with a lot of questions, fear and anxiety. It wasn’t all rainbows and flowers after.

As we neared the road and I could see the end of the hike in sight I let go of Ron’s hand. I sprang to one rock and then another and another until i stepped on a loose rock. I fell. I twisted that bad akle and Ron said, I told you to be careful. I didn’t heed his warning. I didn’t hold onto him. I could finish by myself. I reached out and I held his hand, even on the flat road -we had done it. We completeled this leg of the journey and I knew going into the following Wednesday that our friends who journeyed with us would be holding our hands. giving us stregth. being Jesus just like Ron had been. So thank you, Alyssa, Dawn, Justin, Annie, Mike, Steph, and Beth for helping us take those next steps to our mountain top and down the other side. We are so grateful for all of you!

Blessings,

Mary

A New Season.

Posted on by Mary

Hey friends! Long time no see. I’m so glad you are here. The last year has been full of new things. We graduated our first kiddo. (The second is over 10 days away from finishing her senior year.)

As a mom I have spent the last 19 (3 weeks shy of 20) years cheering on my kids and their passions. I’ve loved almost every minute of it AND I don’t plan on changing a bit of it!

But as we begin to grow into this new season of launching kids it’s been interesting to see how God has opened new doors for me. I stepped back from here for quite some time and now as we enter this new phase I’m excited to jump back into my little piece of the internet.

So let me introduce myself. I’m Mary. Wife to my pastor husband for nearly 22 years. We had 4 kids in 5 years and they are currently 19, 18, 17, and 15.

My favorite picture of us to date!

Our journey hasn’t been easy. There have been mountain top experiences and the darkest of valleys. But in the end God has used every experience to bring Him glory and we feel blessed he saw fit to use us!

So since it’s been a while I thought we could have a bit of fun. Here’s 35 fun things about me (not my family because that’s protected info around here).

  1. I enjoy rainy spring and summer days. I love the sound on our roof, and when Ron and I were in college we would love to take long walks in the rain.
  2. I do NOT like my feat to be wet.
  3. I’m NOT a Fan of Sand.
  4. Frogs (specifically poison dart frogs ) are my favorite.
  5. I LOVE SLOTHS!!!!
  6. I have directed roughly 13 plays.
  7. I love to work with teenagers.
  8. I have my certificate in biblical counseling and I’m almost finished with another set of classes.
  9. I enjoy leading games as in large group games for our Launch program (aka Youth group).
  10. I enjoy reading though I have to force myself to read fiction.
  11. I taught myself to paint.
  12. We have homeschooled kids for the last 4 years.
  13. I used to be afraid of silence but now I love it.
  14. We have 2 dogs and 3 cats.
  15. I have been to China and Japan.
  16. My favorite food is Pizza.
  17. My favorite Old Testament character is Esther. (though I’m connecting with David now on a different level).
  18. Favorite New Testament character is Paul.
  19. Top 3 songs on my playlist right now a) That’s Who I Praise by Brandon Lake b) What an Awesome God by Phil Wickham c) Up+Up by Colton Dixon
  20. I am a planner girl -if ya know you know!
  21. I have this thing for mugs!!!!
  22. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons.
  23. I have owned a blog for 18 years 😳
  24. I’m not afraid of snakes….I actually like holding them (poisonous snakes are a different story).
  25. In college I only wore 3 colors…black, navy, and gray. Today I enjoywearing other colors and my favorites are purple and green.
  26. My favorite flowers…..ok I like them all but I have to go with my wedding flowers tulips and lilacs.
  27. I’ve been visually impaired since I was 13. And with that I can’t drive.
  28. Uncle Tom’s Cabin tops my favorites reading list.
  29. Ron and I enjoy history and visiting Presidents homes.
  30. I enjoy movies made about authors.
  31. Heath bars are my favorite.
  32. #1 on the bucket list…..cuddle a sloth!!!!
  33. Favorite place I’ve visited is Nashville TN.
  34. I prefer the mountains.
  35. Hairy cows (aka miniature highlands) have been discussed.

So what can you expect while visiting my little corner?

A little bit of everything. The reality is it was once called Walking The Walk and then it changed to Walking By Faith but its still the same premise. This little space of mine is about my faith journey. Past, Present And Future. It’s not always pretty but it’s not really supposed to be. Jesus takes our mess and makes it his Message, but we have to let him. All of it, work, ministry, family, friends, writing, book reviews…….its all wrapped into my faith journey. I can’t separate Jesus from any of it!

I’m so glad you are joining me on this jouney. I’m excited to see where this new season takes us.

Blessings,

Mary