I would like to sit here and think that today begins a new journey but in reality it’s not new. Life is the journey. Yes at times we come to a fork in the road and we need to decide which path to take. It is the very reason why I chose the theme for my blog to be walking by faith. Journey is in the subheading. and as I alluded to in yesterday’sblog post that there were somethings up my sleeve. I have been thinking and praying and planning for the last few months and I have really needed to wrestle through some stuff. Things like :
Lack of confidence ( this one strikes me as funny because that was my word for last year. ,
Once upon a time….Journey back in time
I struggled with intense fear. Fear that left me curled up in the corner of my bedroom sobbing. I had come home to no power and I feared what lurked in the darkness. The unseen, You know what was there? Furniture Thats it. . I was as quiet as a mouse all of the time. When we moved into a different apartment a year and a half later I was pregnant with our first son and I quickly learned that the guy downstairs was on the creepy list. When our oldest was born hubby and I praised God that he was too young to ask questions about what was going on downstairs, on many levels. I was still scared but now I could no longer be as quiet as a mouse, because I had this youngling…and what do younglings do? They Cry. Sometimes a lot. But in my heart my thought was what if that creepy guy comes up stairs……? Then one day! He did. I was standing at the sink tasing dishes and this insane pounding came . I froze. He yelled Get out, the Apartment is on fire. Wait what? IS this for real? Sure enough I picked up our newborn son and scrambled down the stairs. It was filled with smoke, firetrucks everywhere.
Fast forward….the journey between then and Now
As I look back over the nearly 13 years since that day. I see an on again off again relationship with fear. What was once an absolutely gripping fear of being alone…as in no one in the same house. I could be alone, actually I really liked being in solitude, just not in the sense of being left alone….and in the ONLY ONE, morphed into a different kind of fear. Fear of people. Nope not kidding one single bit. I was afraid that I was going to get hurt. There was a time on my life as a young mom where I was convinced that it was my job to be hurt…by people. It was during that time that I had no friends. I was home all the time alone and arrows flew at me from every direction.. Now This did not just happen once or twice. there is a lesson in this for me. I knew there was but I was DENSE (still am). So I had to keep learning it over and over and over again.