A couple of weeks ago I was listening to a class diligently taking notes when all of a sudden I found my mouth hanging open in shock.
The teacher of the class had said something that I had identified with and I was stunned that there was a name to go along with it.
I had to pause the class and take a breath assessing my heart….so what is CNN Syndrome in parenting?
Well , CNN is a news organization right? So what takes up the majority of any news cast? Negative news. They might have a feel good piece or two but for the most part “the news”=negativity.
As young parents we had high ideals. And so did the people around us. And when our kids didn’t live up to those standards we did what everyone else around us was doing ….complain about your kids.
Living in a fishbowl as a ministry family everyone also felt the need to tell us about how our kids were falling short. Before long all we could see was the negative. (That’s what happens when you watch too much news-you get depressed and negative) In the middle of all of this we learned that one of our children had special needs. That nearly broke us. Screaming, banging his head. He was 4 but had reverted back to an 18 month old level.
Nothing like God rearranging your hopes and dreams of having these highly trained little soldiers falling in line behind you! That was the goal. We followed all the training books. We were consistent. We jumped through the hoops dragging our kids through them. And when it came right down to it. It wasn’t working. And so what did we do? Complained. Speaking ill of our kids. To other people both in front of them and in private.
When our child with autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) was diagnosed it forced Ron and I to take a long hard look at our child training techniques and who we were as parents and who our kids were as CHILDREN. We slowly began to change our perspective. We had to decide to let go of what we thought was most important and began to see our kids as Jesus did. AKA Imperfect works in progress. I wish I could say that was the end of our struggle as parents dealing with CNN Syndrome. But it wasn’t. The reality is it’s still a struggle, because it was such an engrained way of thinking when they were little.
Sometimes something happens that makes life come to a screeching halt and you find yourself isolated, alone, with your family. The attack is huge, daunting and sickening. And immediately you start to question what exactly is going on. God rewrites what you thought you always knew.
He changes you to be the mother hen that shelters her sweet chicks from whatever is about to happen. Our story I’ve shred here about the abuse our family endured in 2014. But what I haven’t shared is the excuse both the abuser and his family used to justify the abuse two of our children endured. They claimed he was disciplining our kids because we never did. There are so many things I could say about that.
First of all- we didn’t discipline our children in public. (That’s abuse). Secondly even if we didn’t discipline our children that is never a reason to lay hands on anyone’s children. Physically OR sexually. The latter is what he was guilty of. In these moments of false accusations we realized that we had bought a lie. As our kids met with district attorneys, counselors and police officers we heard about how amazing our kids were. We had lost sight of what God was doing in them at their young ages. We began to pay attention to their character. Were they perfect NOPE. But our perspective changed a lot. We began to notice where they were growing and where their struggles were. We kept their struggles private. Public humiliation intended or not hugely damages a child and even if you say it in private it always gets back to your kiddo.
I’ve seen time and time again when working with kids and teens they have heard what their parents say about them. And it is damaging. We have had to apologize to our kids for our insensitivity to their hearts. And for tearing them down. Our jobs as leaders, friends and especially parents is to build up and not tear down. You can deal with problems and struggles with your kids and still build up.
“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”
Ephesians 4:29 NLT
As parents we say, “I love my kids.” But love goes beyond words, beyond making supper or doing laundry….heres a reminder of what true Christ-like love is. Our kids need to see Christs radical love and who better to show it than the ones God gave the gift of our kids to,
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NLT
When we started choosing to build up and not tear down we began to see such a difference in our kids. The difference? They had confidence that we loved them. That they had a safe place to share their hearts AND THEIR STRUGGLES.
I bet you thought I was going to say they became more obedient. The reality is raising children is a cycle. No matter the stage they are in you are always dealing with the same few issues…the issues just get bigger and heavier. So build on them. I don’t expect my kids to be fully obedient (but trust me I want them to be) . God h wants us (kids AND parents) to be obedient as well but He understands that perfection won’t be attained until we get to heaven. That’s where grace and mercy come in.Some days I still struggle being obedient to the Heavenly Father. My headstrong self still wants to get my own way and my pride gets in the way.
Yes we deal with the disobedience. Ron and I will talk about it but our home is a place of safety and we do our very best to protect that. Yes sometimes in the heat of the moment we may fail and say something we shouldn’t but our kids know NOW that we are their cheerleaders and not the ones who will gossip about them.
A word about Gossip and your kids. There are times in a parents journey where you need to seek advice/counsel in handling a situation for a child. We are asked all the time about how to handle special needs issues with children. Seeking counsel isn’t a bad thing but be very careful. What’s the purpose of you talking to another person about the struggle you and your child are having? Is it just to vent and complain? OR I are you seeking to gain perspective and help. I have a friend Steph. We vent to each other about our kids but we also understand that the other person is going to speak truth in our current situation and we pray for each other on our journeys.
Seeking advice or counsel but then only shooting said advice or counsel shows a lack of wanting to actually grow in the situation. And is a warning sign of just wanting to gossip about your child(ren).
As a youth leader/mentor it’s hard for me to undo what’s been done by parents even well meaning ones. Parents have a privileged job to help their kids feel loved and safe.
Parenting is hard. Everyone has an opinion about how to raise and handle kids. I still have friends who are judgmental about how we handled our kids. The reality is they are passing judgement without joining us on the journey . Don’t let this people live rent free in your head. You are accountable for your actions and how you handled your kids. And don’t let other peoples negative speech impact how you treat your kids!
