Life is a Journey

journey

I would like to sit here and think that today begins a new journey but in  reality it’s not new.  Life is the journey.  Yes at times we come to a fork in the road and we need to decide which path to take.  It is the very reason why I chose the theme for my blog to be walking by faith.  Journey is in the subheading.  and as I alluded to in yesterday’sblog post that there were somethings up my sleeve.  I have been thinking and praying and planning for the last few months and I have really needed to wrestle through some stuff. Things like :

Fear

Control

Lack of confidence ( this one strikes me as funny because  that was my word for last year.  ,

Once upon a time….Journey back in time

I struggled with intense fear.  Fear that left me curled up in the corner of my bedroom sobbing.  I had come home to no power and I feared what lurked in the darkness. The unseen,  You know what was there?  Furniture Thats it. .  I was as quiet as a mouse all of the time.  When we moved into a different apartment  a year and a half later I was pregnant with our first son and I quickly learned that the guy downstairs was on the creepy list.  When our oldest was born hubby and I praised God that he was too young to ask questions about what was going on downstairs, on many levels. I was still scared but now I could no longer  be as quiet as a mouse, because I had this youngling…and what do younglings do?  They Cry.  Sometimes a lot. But in my heart my thought was what  if that creepy guy comes up stairs……?  Then one day!  He did.  I was standing at the sink tasing dishes and this insane pounding came . I froze.  He yelled Get out, the Apartment is on fire.  Wait what?   IS this for real?  Sure enough  I picked up our newborn son and scrambled down the stairs.  It was filled with smoke, firetrucks everywhere.

Fast forward….the journey between then and Now

As I look back over the nearly 13 years since that day. I see an on again off again relationship with fear.  What was once an absolutely gripping fear of being alone…as in no one in the same house. I could be alone, actually I really liked being in solitude, just not in the sense of being left alone….and in the ONLY ONE, morphed into a different kind of fear.  Fear of people.  Nope not kidding one single bit.  I was afraid that I was going to get hurt.  There was a time on my life as a young mom where I was convinced that it was my job to be hurt…by people.  It was during that time that I had no friends.  I was home all the time alone and arrows flew at me from every direction..  Now This did not just happen once or twice.  there is a lesson in this for me.  I knew there was but I was DENSE (still am).  So I had to keep learning it over and over and over again.

Right now….on the journey

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When I Picked the Word Confidence for 2017……

….I had no idea what was looming around each corner. CONFIDENCE. Confidence In God NOT myself!  I know I haven’t blogged about my word much, if at all.  Let’s be honest and right up front, I haven’t been blogging much at all..  I have been caught between crazy schedules and exhausted.    I had hoped to blog a lot on our two week vacation BUT that did not happen…I have less than 2 days left…..SIGH!  Oh well  but how do I move forward in the future?

CONFIDENCE

So back to Confidence.  My confidence has been tested and stretched SOOOOO many times over the last few years.  Confidence in my abilities, confidence in my faith in ministries (including blogging), ,confidence in God . For instance if when I started at the pregnancy  cente you would have told me that my role there would include people who had been in jail OR that I would be introduced to women who had been in human trafficking situations I would have told you NAH that’s not what I am called to do!  HAHHAHA I was so naive. And Naive is not a word I would use to define me…EVER! However just when I had thought I had heard it all a client made me cough coffee out my nose with one question…..(Yes Amy insert laughter)

The other thing, if you asked me if I would ever be involved in a conference planning ministry that  I am a part of the team I would have laughed and told you “not introverted me.”   Now I am in my second conference Planning session and I can’t imagine doing anything else.

And did I mention that I never thought I would be a pastor’s wife…ok so I didn’t want to be.  I wanted to be a missionary to a country that didn’t’t allow missionaries.  I wanted to be an inner city youth leader….Amongst some other things….Pastor’s wife was never on the list…EVER!!

Confidence or GOD-FIDENCE

My confidence was not there.  I need to have God-fidence as Renee Swope  calls it in her A Confident  Heart Bible Study.  and now I’m in yet another transition period….Another confidence area…A God-fidence area if you will….and it has to do with fear!    We have been listening to our friend Marc preach on it for the last week, and quite honestly it’s been hard.  Im not the same scared  young bride I was when I married my husband 14 years ago BUT there are certain things that grip my heart and mind tighter than anything else in this entire world.   It’s the area of people pleasing .  I worry about this ALL THE TIME. I obsess over this.   BUT there is a big problem about this…Worry means a mind divided!   I am torn between two masters….God who has called me to do this.  I have made a commitment to do this.  It is my  responsibility to use my gifts, to sharpen them, to hone them in, however I hide.  I hide this from social media.  I have not shared my blog on social media( as in my own personal wall) in  over two years, because I am AFRAID!  I worry about criticism, critique….people being angry with me .   and that leads me to my second master….Satan AND other people.  I am a person divided.

The Problem

The problem with all of this is Jesus himself promises struggles, that we will be persecuted that there will be problems . (John 16:33)  So I am trying to avoid and run away from the trouble that is promised. It’s what I do with that trouble. It’s not hiding from it, BUT it is taking it to God and allowing God to work it out.  It is having trust that HE will work through my words.  It is having confidence in Him…confidence to know what He wants me to write and share and when people aren’t pleased with me knowing that HE is because that is all that matters!

Instead I want a sound mind….a whole mind, a mind with one master, God.I want to serve Him and pleaseHim with all I say, do, and WRITE!  And that means if He has all of my mind then there is NO other room for anyone else.  This also means that I need to make sure that I keep my heart in check with God’s word because out of the condition of the heart Man speaks!! (But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. Matt. 15:18 NIV)

The end result

So here it is…

This blog will go back on my social media.

You are now free to share it.

  • I’m not living afraid I’m choosing freedom.
  • I’m choosing one master.
  • Im choosing to have a whole minded God-fidence.

Remember this is my story, a story that God is writing and I am sharing it to bring Him Glory, hopefully to bless others so look past you opinions and feelings and think on this that our friend Marc shared the other night,

Without Misery, there can be no Ministry

Yes it is going to look messy and yes we are going to get raw and we ARE going to talk about hard things, BUT if I don’t do this Im NOT in God’s Will.  He didn’t give me a story to hide it under a bushel….NO, THIS is my light and I’m going to let it shine!

 

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